


Ask Agony Elder

by Atlapin



Category: The Book of Mormon - Parker/Stone/Lopez
Genre: Alternate Universe, Christmas, Fluff, Gay, M/M, Mission training AU, Musical, agony aunt, book of mormon - Freeform, mcpriceley
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-08
Updated: 2017-08-08
Packaged: 2018-12-12 21:31:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 25,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11745588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Atlapin/pseuds/Atlapin
Summary: When Connor McKinley moves to Salt Lake City, he is signed up for a mission training center. It is there that he meets the introverted perfectionist, Kevin Price who instantly takes a disliking to him. When tragic news hits, Connor takes it upon himself to create an Ask Agony Aunt blog for Mormons to confide in him in order to prevent any crushing incidents from happening again.





	Ask Agony Elder

Salt Lake City was not much different to Provo, Connor didn’t understand why his parents had decided to move. Both cities were big and full and more importantly, Mormon, and seeing as though they were only an hour’s drive apart Connor didn’t understand why his parents thought it would be logical to move, especially since it was the middle of the school year and therefore attending a new school would be difficult for Connor.

His dad said it was for work. He’d recently gotten a very good job in Salt Lake City, however he found the travelling there to be a nuisance. He’d have to wake up at 6am every day for his 8am meetings, which meant that he’d get home 7pm every night tired and with an aching neck from the uncomfortable car ride. This meant no family evening time, and what were Mormons without family? 

Connor was angry at this reasoning, one of his friends at church, Michael, had a dad who worked in Evanston, Wyoming, a whole state away! If Michael’s dad could deal with an even longer drive and still be there for his family then why couldn’t Connors dad?

Of course Connors parents didn’t care much for that though because, ‘We’re not Michael’s family,’ Connors mom had stated, and, ‘their lifestyle obviously works for them, however this move works for us.’

Connor hated how helpless he felt in that situation, he knew better than to argue with his parents but he didn’t want to move. Provo was comfortable for him, and familiar and he had lots of friends that he would miss deeply. His parents had told him he had a friendly face, and making friends with nice kids in Salt Lake City wouldn’t be an issue for him. But it’s not what he wanted.

But you don’t always get what you want, and so Connor was put in an unfamiliar room, in an unfamiliar house, in an unfamiliar town, and he had to deal with it.

He sat on the floor in his new, bare, room, surrounded by boxes that needed unpacking and sighed. His phone was flooding with texts from his friends, saying how much they missed him already. And although he had just arrived in his new house, he couldn’t help but admit that he missed them too. Or maybe he just missed the comfort of knowing he could visit them whenever he pleased. Nonetheless the feeling of loneliness soon crept in and he felt miserable.

Connor has no siblings and no pets. He is an only child in quite a small family. He both likes and hates his position because although it means he gets spoilt by his parents, and all their affection is given to him, he can’t help but also want someone to always be there for him in times where he doesn’t have anyone he can seemingly relate to.

A soft knocking on his bedroom door is what shook him from his thoughts. He looked up and saw the doorknob jiggle slightly before slowly opening. His moms appeared behind the door, red hair tied messily up on top of her head, she was smiling though her eyes seemed exhausted, probably from having to move all the boxes. 

‘Hey Con,’ she greeted, stepping into the room with a smaller cardboard box, ‘I think this is the final box of yours, are you going to get unpacking soon?’

Connor nodded and put his phone down before standing up and taking the box out of his mother’s hand.

‘Your dad will be up soon to help set up the rest of the furniture, but since you’ve already got a wardrobe prepared how about I help you put your clothes away?’ she offered, walking towards the rooms built in closet. Connor took the boxes which had his clothes in and knelt down next to his mom. He opened the box and they began silently folding the clothes. It wasn’t until his mom came across his church attire that she decided to speak.

‘I know you aren’t happy with us moving and I know you’ll miss your friends, but your father has been looking and he’s found a Mormon youth group that we think will be beneficial for you to attend.’

Connor looked at his mother.

‘There’s a meeting tomorrow,’ she paused, folding his shirt and putting it away, ‘I’d like you to make an effort and go. The sooner you mix with new people the better.’

'Thanks mom, but I don’t really want my first friends that I make here to be 12 year olds.’ Connor replied, remembering the time he spent in the Provo youth group as a kid. He was made to go there once every week for the whole summer when he was 13 because his parents would help out with the churches fund raising schemes and didn’t want Connor to be home alone for the day. He felt embarrassed even at 13 being surrounded by kids who were all younger than him. He didn’t even want to imagine what it would be like now that he’s 16.

‘It’s not that type of youth group, the Mormons there are 16-18 years old. It’s more of an extra training course for future missionaries. I think it will be a great help for not only your social life, but also in your relationship with Heavenly father.’

Connor thought about it. School wasn’t to start for another 2 weeks seeing as their move was thankfully right at the start of the Autumn break, and if the Mormons there are his age, maybe some will attend his school and having a friend would be better than starting off new and not knowing anyone.

‘Okay I’ll try it out,’ he confirmed with a smile. His mother’s eyes seemed to light up at this, any trace of tiredness washed away and instead replaced by relief.

 

* * *

 

Like he said before, Salt Lake City was not much different to Provo. It was as if all of his Mormon friends had been copy and pasted into a different area of Utah, just like back at home, all the boys looked proper and sharp, wearing freshly pressed shirts tucked into their black pants, shiny dress shoes and smart haircuts.

They were all sat in separate, little groups in the small church hall (which was really just a cabin tucked behind the church in between a woods-like area, which meant that any sunlight around the building was blocked off by the green foliage.)

The only thing different about these Mormons he noticed was that they were wearing the same badges on their chests that missionaries would wear when serving their 2 years. This confused Connor at first as they were all too young to be missionaries. However not to disturb the others from their conversations, Connor decided to just stay quiet next to the doorway.

He felt out of place already.

The sound of the door opening and a loud cough caused the - Connor supposed, ‘elders’ – to break from their conversations. Connor turned to look at the figure, whose gaze found Connors almost instantly.

‘Oh, you must be Connor Mckinley. Your mother phoned to tell me you’d be joining us. I’m Church Bishop Cunningham, senior,’ he stated with a warm grin and the type of pat on Connors shoulder which was really just to address that Connor was in the way. He moved to the side to let the bishop move past towards an alter in front of a row of chairs. He was a stocky man, with dark brown hair and eyes that creased a bit too much due to his constant grin. He looked to be within his early fifties, ‘Alright Elders, Take a seat. Connor, take a seat by anyone you’d like, don’t worry we don’t bite!’

‘At least not unless you taste like a poptart!’ a blonde boy joked aloud, causing the Mormons to break into a group chuckle.

‘Oh Elder Poptarts, what are we going to do with you!’ Bishop Cunningham teased.

Connor awkwardly laughed along and sat down on the closest seat possible. When the laughing died down the Bishop spoke up again.

‘Now, since we have a new member I think we should spend todays mission training getting to know a bit more about our new member and teaching him about how things work here. From what I’ve heard Connor is from Provo, just down the road from here, however we all must realise how difficult it must be to move to a new city away from all your friends and all the people who care about you.’ The smile on his face fell and his eyes drifted away in remembrance as he continued to speak, ‘We all must realise how difficult it’s going to be for Connor… and we all must be there for him so that he doesn’t end up  alone. Trying to contact his old friends from home as he’s got no friends here… only for them to have moved on with their lives… completely forgetting about his existence… not caring to speak to him anymore… leaving him with nobody and nothing besides the constant feeling of loneliness and isolation…’

Connor shifted uncomfortably, he hadn’t even thought of that? It was an oddly specific thing of the bishop to say, making Connor wonder if that’s actually what might happen. He started to panic, until he felt a pat on the back from the Mormon boy next to him. He looked at his name tag and revealed he was ‘Elder Zelder’, quite an unfortunate name to have as a Mormon.

‘We’re here for you, Elder.’ Elder Zelder spoke first, followed by a chorus of the same response from all other Elders in the room.

As if the thick atmosphere wasn’t there to begin with, when Bishop Cunningham clasped his hands closed with a smile, it seemed to disappear straight away. 'That's right! Anyway, on with the lesson. Elder Mckinley you would probably like to know more about this place, correct?’

Connor nodded, unsure.

'You probably think it's peculiar how we address each other as 'Elder' before our missions, correct?'

Connor nodded, again.

'Well, let me tell you a little about this place. You see, I have a son.' He paused, gesturing vaguely towards a group of elders across the aisle, Connor instantly found a chubby dark haired boy and made the connection, 'and when he was younger he had a... err... a little problem. You see he has a very active imaginatio-'

'I lie a lot!' The chubby boy stated, leaning over the elders next to him in order to wave at Connor down the aisle, 'Hello! But don't you worry, my little problem is in check, so it wont be any issue, Elder Mc- McQueen! Ha! Get it! Because your hair is red like the car and your name is Elder Mckinley and so-'

He was stopped when the elder sitting next to him pulled on his shirt to make him sit back in his chair.

'When my son was 15 years old I was worried that this- imaginative behaviour of his would make him unable to partake in a mission, and so I arranged to start a group for young, future missionaries such as yourselves to get extra training. We address each other professionally by 'Elder' to become familiar with the concept, and we have all been assigned 'Mission Companions.' However, you must understand that just because they're your mission companion now doesn't always mean they will be for your mission. This is simply training. You will get your companion and name badge next session.'

Connor nodded again. He was going the have neck pains at the rate this was going.

'If you have any more questions you can come see me. I'll leave you all get comfortable with each other. Remember everyone to be kind and welcoming, you're only a stranger here once after all!' 

And just like that Connor became surrounded by 7 eager Mormons looking for friendship.

From the get go he learnt that Elder Thomas - or Poptarts, would most likely be his companion as he was the only elder without one due to his old companion leaving for his actual mission.

Elder Zelder seemed the most friendly with Connor at the start, he was the first to introduce himself and his companion Elder Schrader. He was then introduced to Elder Neeley, Elder Davis, Elder Church and Elder Michaels. 

It made Connor glad to be Mormon as the Elders were very nice and easy to get along with. They had migrated to the corner of the room and sat in a large circle where they asked Connor typical questions about himself and Provo.

The only peculiarity of this gathering was the fact that 2 Elders remained where they were seated before, just quietly talking to each other. Connor raised an eyebrows. He recognised one of the Elders to be Elder Cunningham but not the other.

'Who's that with Elder Cunningham, why aren't they joining us?' Connor asked.

'That's Elder Price. He's very... reserved.' Poptarts began, Connor raised an eyebrow, 'Don't get me wrong, he's great.'

'One of the best, most deserving Elders this centers ever seen, really.' Elder Michaels added on.

All Elders nodded, 'He'd incredibly hard working, and I think Bishop Cunningham admires him more than he does his own son. However, he's also quite...' Poptarts trailed off trying to think of the right word.

'Arrogant?' Elder Church offered. Poptarts snapped his fingers. 

'Yes, arrogant! He's arrogant!' He yelled, a little too loud causing Elder Price to draw his attention to their circle. Elder Cunningham suddenly followed to see what distracted his companion. 

Elder Poptarts shrunk when Elder Price stood up making his way over to the circle. 'Pardon me, Elder, but I'm intrigued in this conversation. Would you mind enlightening me with who's arrogant?' Elder Prices words were laced with knowing.

Elder Church defended the situation quickly. 'Look, Elder Price, we don't mean anything by it. You just come across that way when you consider yourself too important to participate in sessions like there where we aren't working.' 

'That's not true,' Elder Price stated.

'Well when Elder Evans left for his mission last month and we threw a going away party all you did was stay in the corner of the room learning scriptures. You don't really make an effort to be friendly with us. You just try to improve yourself to seem better than us.' Elder Church finished. Elder Price looked hurt.

'I just don't understand the relevance of these sessions. It feels like we're wasting precious learning time. Our mission is in 3 years time and we've got so much to prepare for.'

'Maybe they aren't relevant to you, but they're relevant to Elder Mckinley making friends and so you might as well participate.' Elder Church reasoned.

Elder Price grunted and went to turn, when Elder Cunningham grabbed his wrist to stop him from leaving.

'They're right buddy, you could at least participate! I mean- it is like a lesson in itself! On our missions we're going to meet a whole bunch of different people, why not be friendly and test out our companionship skills,' 

And so Elder Neeley and Elder Davis made space in the circle and Elder Price and Elder Cunningham joined. And although Elder Price didn't make much of an effort to speak, and mainly sat looking bored whilst his companion eagerly quizzed Connor about his star wars knowledge, Connor was happy to have made at least 8 new friends on his second day in Salt Lake City. 

 

* * *

 

Connor Mckinley often found himself looking forward to Sunday evenings at 5pm. He’s been attending the Mormon mission training centre for nearly a month now and has grown close to most of the elders, especially Elder Poptarts, who quickly became his best friend. He still contacts his old Provo friends but not as regularly as he does his new friends.

He instantly gained a lot of respect from the Elders at the training center as he was naturally a very good Mormon boy and they were impressed by how well he could do at activities and how his charm was able to persuade people to join the Mormon Church. Many people were also impressed by his ability to say ‘Hello, would you like a book about Jesus Christ,’ In 6 languages. Especially Arnold who then taught him how to say it in Elven, however Connor doesn’t really consider that a real language. In fact, the only Elder who hadn’t found themselves intrigued by Connors personality was Elder Price.

Whenever Connor got any praise he’s roll his eyes or huff like a child. Connor found Elder Prices childishness irritating considering he hadn’t done anything wrong, but Elder Poptarts suggested the reason for Elder Price’s petty demeanor is most likely due to the envy of Connor being admired more than him.

Elder Price had been branded as the Mormon poster boy. He had an all-American, family loving way about him which would make strangers deem him as perfect, however Connor has been told that beneath his flawlessness, he’s actually quite shallow and only cares about being the best.

Connor doesn’t judge a book by its cover, but the cold way that Elder Price has been acting towards him can’t help but make him agree with the other Elders takes on the boy.

Connor was sat with Elder Poptarts and Elder Church. They were talking about some movie they’re going to see in the cinema that weekend, meanwhile Connor is focused on Elder Price and Elder Cunningham. They were sat next to the water fountain and judging by his wild gestures, Elder Cunningham was most likely telling one of his Star Trek conspiracy theories, meanwhile Kevin didn't even bothering to fake interest, he instead had his head stuck right into his copy of The Book of Mormon, he gave the occasionally nod at what Elder Cunningham was saying but it was plainly obvious he wasn't really listening.

Connor sighed and excused himself from his friends, then departed to the water fountain to get a drink.

‘-so it’s obvious that Spock is actually a homosexual- oh, hey Elder Mckinley!’ Elder Cunningham greeted, waving his hand way too energetically. Elder Mckinley – filling a white plastic cup with with water greeted the elder with a smile.

‘Hello Elder Cunningham, and Elder Price.’

He didn’t even get acknowledged.

Elder Cunningham smiled back, ‘me and Ke- Elder Price over here were just talking about a really cool star trek theory it’s insane! Isn’t that right buddy!’ Elder Cunningham harshly nudged his companion, causing him to choke and drop his book.

‘Uhm, yeah,’ he agreed, picking his book back up. He set it down but didn’t bother to look up at either Elders next to him.

‘Elder Mckinley, what do you prefer Star Wars or Star Trek?’ There was a glint of actual intrigue in Elder Cunningham’s eyes, as if he genuinely cared about the redhead’s opinion.

‘Probably Star Wars.'

‘Oh my gosh! No way! Did you hear that Elder Price! Elder Mckinley likes Star Wars more too, personally I’m more of a Star Trek guy but this is so cool that you guys both like the same thing wow!’ Elder Cunningham beamed.

‘Cool.’

Connor Mckinley furrowed his eyebrows, what was his problem?

Before he could say something however, the mission training centers door opened and a very distressed looking Bishop Cunningham entered solemnly. All laughing and talking died down and everyone quietly took a seat sensing the serious atmosphere.

Once at the alter at the front of the church, Bishop Cunningham softy spoke.

‘We have some bad news,’ he slowly began, taking deep breaths between each word as if they caused him physical pain to say. ‘The church is completely devastated. This is very hard for me to tell and- and I’m very sorry we have to talk about this today but we’ve made a decision that it’ll be best to discuss this in case another accident does come around.’ The Bishop’s voice sounded raw. He cleared his throat, ‘we have been informed that whilst serving his mission in Afghanistan, our ex mission training member Elder Ryan Evans lost his faith in Heavenly Father and sadly took his own life.’

You could hear a pin drop.

No, you could hear a feather drop.

In that moment it felt like Connor could even hear the particles of dust dance around the air. And in that moment it felt like the loudest sound he had ever heard in his life.

And then the tears came.

Not from Connor. Connor had never met Elder Evans, only hearing stories of him from Poptarts as in the mission training centre before Connor arrived they had been companions.

Connor didn’t cry but he felt sick to his stomach.

It was Elder Poptarts who cried first, he closed in on himself and wept. Connor didn’t know what to do or what to say. He usually excelled in comforting people, but it was usually over small things like losing a game of chess or falling out with a friend. This was out of his reach. Looking around the room as more noise came from other elders, he found most to be in pairs holding each other closely.

He carefully placed a hand on Elder Poptarts back, which the blonde took as an invite to hug Connor and cry.

Connor allowed it.

Connor looked at Elders Cunningham and Price

Elder Cunningham went to hug Elder Price.

Elder Price did not allow it.

After the rejection Cunningham immediately burst out into a loud fit of tears and ran to his dad, who hugged his son protectively and wept silently himself. Elder Price flinched. Connor could see that he himself had tears threatening to fall, but Elder Price is stubborn and tried his hardest to remain stoic. He instead walked to the back of the room and took his copy of the book of Mormon opening it to a section and seemed to read the same passage over and over again for a full five minutes. Or maybe it was an hour. Or more. Time was dragging on.

He didn’t know how long they had been there for when the Bishop stood by the alter again.

‘I-I know we all just want to mourn at the moment… It’s natural to want to do. H-however, we need to respect that this issue could happen to any of us on our missions. We need to know how to react when tragedy strikes.’

‘C-can we pray f-for him first.’ Elder Poptarts sniffled.

‘That’s a wonderful idea, would anyone like to lead us in prayer…’ everyone remained quiet. ‘Elder Mckinley?’

He was about the most stable person there so despite the discomfort he felt he decided to take charge.

‘Heavenly father,’ he began, ‘Elder Evans’ time with us on your earth had been short. He was young and confused and must not have thought through his actions entirely. We know that you do not want any of your people to end their lives before their time however we pray that you will forgive our friend Ryan Evans when he joins you on the other side-'

'S-suicide is a sin Elder. What if he doesn't go to heaven- h-he betrayed God!' Elder Poptarts stuttered.

Connor didn't know what to say.

Elder Price did.

'Alma 40:11, the spirits of all men, whether they be good or evil, are taken home to that God who gave them life. Ryan was a very good person. There was no evil in his soul. Heavenly Father forgives all. There is no worry Elder, he will be safe.' 

At that moment Connor respected Elder Price entirely. Bishop Cunningham concluded the prayer and Connor was impressed by how strong Kevin had sounded despite it being obvious that he was hurting just like the others.

At that moment Connor realised that all the Elders in the room are going through something traumatic and all will handle it in their own way. Elder Evan's way of handling his problems is the worst thing Connor could ever think of. He doesn't want anything like that to happen to anyone again.

He thought about the Elders in Afghanistan, having to deal with this news. He wished desperately he could help them yet knew he wouldn't be able to.

For the rest of the session Bishop Cunningham taught the Elders how to react if one of their friends or missionary partners is having suicidal thoughts. 

It didn't help.

Connor knew it didn't help the others.

He knew he'd have to help them somehow.

When he got home he pondered on ideas on how to help Mormons struggling like Elder Evans must have. He didn't want anyone to reach that breaking point. 

When he did come up with the idea he was hesitant, involving himself in other people's problems could be risky however he decided that it was the best thing he could do. Heavenly father believes everyone should love and care for each other and what type of Mormon would disobey the Lord's wishes.

And so, he opened his computer and looked for a blog website, when settling for Tumblr he entered his personal information and clicked 'create a blog'

Thus, 'AskAgonyElder' had been created.

 

* * *

 

It broke Connors heart to see the messages of so many distressed Mormons. His account grew effortlessly and rapidly, as if this was the answer so many people had been waiting for. Within two weeks his inbox had already been full of messages asking for advice from all around the world. He made sure to answer at least 10 a day, sometimes more depending on the urgency of the messages. He had nearly 500 followers which made him feel the pressure of responsibility as well as the comfort of knowing he’s helping people.

If the help online wasn’t enough, he’s also been helping the people in his church deal with the loss of Ryan, especially for his Elders. The past two sessions they have spent doing very little progressive missionary work. They instead have been focussing on keeping Ryan’s memory alive. Of course, Ryan’s family is most affected by the loss and so Connor took it upon himself to have the Elders make a scrapbook of memories and old photos they have with Ryan. The Evans family found the gesture extremely sincere and were so happy that Ryan had such nice friends.

Connor was pleased knowing the gesture helped the Evans realise although Ryan’s life was short lived it was still a wonderful life full of wonderful people.

Elder Price has thankfully been including himself in these sessions. He is the one who takes charge in leading in prayers mainly, which was a relief to Connor as he felt guilty praying for someone he didn’t know well enough. When Connor thanked him for what he was doing, Elder Price replied bluntly, ‘It wasn’t a favour for you, I just didn’t want to listen to you fake empathy for someone you didn’t even know.’ And that hurt Connor because he didn’t try to empathise, he’d never be able to understand why someone would ever end their own lives. He just sympathised for Ryan and his friends who had been effected. And sympathy isn’t just something you can pretend about. Connor cared deeply, he cared about everyone, regardless of knowing them or not. He didn’t know anyone on his Tumblr help page yet he was able to sympathise and help them.

Yet, Connor knows what Elder Price is going through is obviously hard and so he didn’t argue with the elder, he just repeated his thank you and when he only got a glare in return he accepted that Elder Price does not like him and moved on with his day.

It’s early December and the funeral is held on the Sunday afternoon, 3 weeks after they first got told the news. It was the hardest day for the missionaries. They all met up in the morning and got to the church an hour earlier than everyone else. The service was dull and depressing. The Elders had collectively written a note for their friend, and Elder Poptarts was the one to read it.

Connor fell in love with the new church the first time he saw it. Unlike olden Christian churches, it never came across as cold.  The windows were colourful and decorative, and the clear weather reflected the colours onto the light brown wooden floor. The walls were spotless and white, and the chairs matched the flooring. The church was usually so comforting but on the day of the funeral, despite being packed with people it just felt so empty and cold.

That night in missionary training he came up with the idea to decorate the church with Christmas decorations, to give it back its cosiness and also to take the other Elders minds off of the funeral they had just attended. The bishop agreed to Connors idea and by the end of the evening the Church was covered in tinsel and flashing lights. They had candles and mistletoe and even set up an artificial Christmas tree. He helped set it up with Elder Poptarts who admitted that the funeral really helped him come to terms with his friends’ suicide and he feels more acceptance and comfort that Elder Evans is with heavenly father. It made Connor very happy to hear,

Before going home a group of Elders thanked Connor for the idea, saying that the distraction really helped them. Connor loved knowing he was helping people, yet the only Elder that didn’t thank him was obviously Elder Price. And Connor wanted to know if Elder Price was okay. They were the last two people in the Church, and Elder Price was sat cross-legged in front of the artificial tree, staring at a plastic icicle bauble as if it was the most interesting thing he’d ever seen in his life.

Connor cleared his throat hoping to get the brunettes attention however his eyes didn’t leave the tree.

Unaware of what to say or do, Connor sighed and turned to collect his Jacket from the cloakroom. He was about to head out when he heard a voice.

‘You’re so selfish.’

What?

Connor walked back into the room where he originally was to see Elder Price still in the same place on the floor.

‘Why do you say that?’ Connor asked. He wasn’t angry, just confused.

‘You don’t see it, huh?’

‘See what, Elder?’

‘Forget it.’

Connor didn’t want to forget it. He wanted Elder Price to justify his blunt accusation.

‘Elder Price just explain yourself, please?’

‘I don’t want to.’

‘Why?’

‘I don’t want to talk to you.’

He never wants to talk, but to avoid conversation he shouldn’t initiate one in the first place.

‘Okay, but if you do want to talk then I’m here for you.’ It was true. Despite Elder Prices obvious disliking for him, he would never turn his back on him. Connor was about to head out again when he heard a frustrated sigh come from Elder Price. When Connor looked back at the brunette he was turned to face Connor, still sat with his legs crossed and a frown on his face.

‘It’s just that!’ Elder Price spat with a raised voice, his hands flying up to gesture at Connor. Connor raised an eyebrow. ‘Don’t look at me like that! Gosh, you don’t even know you’re doing it, do you? – why are you so smug all the time!’

Connor winced at Elder Prices outburst, but Elder Price didn’t look finished.

‘You just- you arrived so untimely! Then all of a sudden everyone loves you, and everyone wants to be your friend and even Bishop Cunningham prefers you to me! Mormon studies were all I had, they were all I excelled at! And you’ve taken that away from me. Today was supposed to be a day where me and the people I’ve known practically my whole life- not just a month- mourn over the loss of our friend! And you took that away from me too! I mean- just look at this tacky mess you’d made to the place our friend is at rest!’ Elder Price yelled, standing up and ripping down a line of tinsel from the church wall. ‘It’s so mocking! Yet everyone loves it because they love you and it just doesn’t make sense to me!’

Connor stayed quiet. He could hear the shakiness to Elder Prices words and knew that the boy needed a moment to let everything out. It made his heart ache.

‘Your life seems so easy, everything you want you seem to have. You wouldn’t know hardship if it hit you in the face! I’ve known many people like you Elder Mckinley, you’re the type of person who tricks people into thinking they’re the kindest, most helpful and trusting person ever – the type that anyone can confide in, only to backstab them by ditching the people who once trusted them because they only used the struggling people around them to boost their egos, and make them feel like a good person. The other Elders may fall for your selfish ways but I see right past them.’

Elder Price was wrong.

Elder Price was so wrong.

Connor wasn’t selfish. If he was he’d counter Elder Price by competing on how his life wasn’t easy and how his life has been hard. He’d bring up the time he had feelings for his friend Steve in fifth grade and how the hell dreams lasted nightly for a whole year, how he had to force himself into a heterosexual mind-set and how although he’s fixed now the memories have stuck with him and he fears betraying heavenly father.

If he was selfish he’d not take the abuse Elder Price was attacking him with, he’d not even be listening. He’d be home by now because if he was selfish he wouldn’t have stayed over time to check on Elder Price.

So yes, Elder Price was so very wrong.

But Elder Price was crying,

And Connor didn’t want Elder Price to cry.

So counteracting Elder Price wasn’t an option.

‘Elder Price, I’m sorry you feel this way.’ That was the last phrase Connor settled for, and so Connor left the room and went to the cloakroom, and there he stayed, and listened out for Elder Price, and it was only when his crying died down to weak sniffles that Connor finally went home.

 

* * *

 

 

Things were starting to get back on track, with school out for winter and Christmas just 2 weeks away, Bishop Cunningham has decided to have missionary meetings every day for 12 days. Elder Cunningham had called it the ’12 days of Missionmas,’ and of course there is a very annoying song to accompany the unnecessary title.

It’s day 3 of Missionmas and besides the mission studies, they’ve also been doing some festive fund raising. So far they’ve done a bake sale, and have planned an ‘ugly sweater day’ for next week’s church service. They’re hoping to raise enough money to buy a bench for the church gardens in memory of Elder Evans. Connor hopes they’ll raise the money by Christmas to help the Evans family cope with their loss during the holiday season.

Although the sadness of the event is still evident, the Elders have managed to perk up enough to passionately join in with all activities given. Even Elder Price seems to be enjoying them somewhat, for the bake sale him and Elder Cunningham made sugar cookies decorated with blue icing in the shape of a snowflake and eagerly Elder Cunningham had announced their creation to be ‘Snowbakes’. They looked and tasted wonderful and were the best sellers by far. When Bishop Cunningham praised Elder Price about them, Connor didn’t miss the boastful glare he got from the brunette.

He hasn’t spoken to Elder Price since the church incident and he didn’t want to. He decided to just keep distant and therefore has mainly stuck with his closest friends Elder Poptarts and Elder Church.

They were currently sat in the training hall listening to Bishop Cunningham talk to the group.

‘We’re all aware that Christmas is going to be different when we’re on our missions. Some of you might even be sent to a country where Christmas is not celebrated. You might find it hard or confusing to wake up on Christmas day without your family, however you mustn’t let this sadness ruin your Christmas. You must find enjoyment in spending the holidays with your neighbours, and of course worshipping our heavenly father and his son Jesus Christ. Don’t worry though, I can guarantee even without your family you can still have a nice traditional Christmas. Can any of you tell me some Christmas traditions you have at home which you could use on your missions?’ The Bishop asked, taking a whiteboard pen from the alter and walking to the whiteboard behind him.

Elder Neeley raised his hand. ‘Playing charades,’

Bishop wrote ‘charades’ on the board, ‘oh yes, that is a fun one you will definitely be able to do on your mission.’

‘A nice Christmas dinner?’ Elder Davis offered.

‘Yes of course you can have a fantastic Christmas dinner on your mission. I went to Ireland for my mission and the roast potatoes my good friend Elder Nickles cooked up were heavenly,’ the Bishop chuckled.

After a few more examples such as Christmas crackers, making a Yule log, decorating the Christmas tree, (which Connor found interesting as a lot of the suggestions given were things he didn’t even do, it excited him to be able to do so many festive things in 3 years’ time with his mission family.) Bishop Cunningham asked the only person who hadn’t spoken up yet - Elder Price about his Christmas traditions.

‘Well, I guess one thing my family do is, ever since I was a kid my siblings and I would perform a nativity play for my parents.’ Elder Price shrugged.

The Bishop lit up at this idea, ‘That would be a brilliant way of conveying stories of Jesus to people on your mission! A nativity performance could be wonderful for bringing attention to the Mormon religion. You could perform it in a community theatre near your headquarters.’

Elder Price smiled at his idea getting praised.

Connor smiled at Elder Price smiling.

Elder Price caught eyes with Connor.

Elder Price stopped smiling.

In that moment Connor wanted nothing more than to see Elder Price smile again. It upset Connor that Elder Price hated him simply for being… himself.

But Connor had been told by the other Elders that Elder Price simply was just cold and uncaring. Although nobody did hate Elder Price, Connor had realised his only friend is Elder Cunningham, and hearing of Elder Prices family traditions made Connor respect the fact that Elder Price is actually a person with feelings, and his feelings must be very confused, and he must be very lonely considering he only has one friend, and although he hates Connor, Connor wants nothing more than to help Elder Price.

After the session that night, Connor went home and checked his tumblr page for any more asks. He scrolled through an inbox of mainly people thanking him for answering their advice, and had no more requests for help yet. Just as he went to log out however, he received an anonymous ask. Quickly he clicked on the notification and began to read.

‘Dear Agony Elder,

I’ve been following your blog since it was first created, and I’ve tried many times to write this but it’s never quite worded right. But a few days ago I realised how much I need help and so here I am.

I’m a very strict Mormon. I obey every rule and know the stories and passages inside out. I’m incredibly dedicated to my faith to the point where I don’t really have any friends. I have one best friend, and all the Mormons at my church are fine, they just don’t like me very much because I care a lot about my studies. They say I come across as arrogant, but I don’t mind because I don’t need them as I’ve got heavenly father and I know I’m the best Mormon in my church.

Or

At least I was.

There’s this new guy in my church and I don’t even know what to say about him other than I hate him. Hate is such a strong word, and I know heavenly father doesn’t want any of his children to hate each other but I can’t help it. I was the best Mormon, but this new guy has completely taken that title away from me. Everyone at my church loves him so much which I don’t find fair because he is exactly like me when it comes to his studies yet he gets praised for how amazing he is, he doesn’t get called arrogant and nobody dislikes him.

I’ve worked out the reason he’s so well liked is because of how nice he is. He’s too nice. He’s the first to recommend we do charity work, and he never argues with anyone even if they yell at him. He’s so patient and relaxed and he just makes me feel so angry.

I feel like heavenly father is disgusted at me for feeling such a strong and negative way but I can’t stop and I don’t know what to do.

Please help me,

-K.’

Connor didn’t know what to do. Connor didn’t know how to feel. All Connor knew is that this had to be from Elder Price. It sounded almost identical to what he had said that night at church. Beneath the shock that Connor felt fill his entire body, he couldn’t help but also feel his heart flutter slightly at the knowledge that Elder Price actually wants his help. The feeling was strange and Connor decided to push it aside and quickly began drafting a reply.

‘Dear K,

It sounds like what you are going through is rough. Hatred is an emotion that we all feel at some stage in our lives. Whether it’s at ourselves or someone else, it is an emotion which we as humans have been granted with, and as humans were created by God, and God makes no mistakes, this emotion is obviously not a mistake and so heavenly father will not feel disgusted at you for feeling this way. I personally see hatred as a test. We are told to love all those around us, and to prove that you are accepting of the Lords word, you must try to overcome this hatred you feel.

From what you have told me you appear to be distant from the members at your church due to favouring your studies. Maybe with more friends you will be introduced to different personalities which could allow you to tolerate the boy you appear to hate more. As Christmas is just around the corner I think the best way to get close with your fellow Mormons is to do group activities together. Try to mix with different people and remain positive in spreading the festive cheer.

Write back to me for anymore advice you may need,

Yours,

Agony Elder.’

Now Connor would just have to see if Elder Price takes his advice on board tomorrow.

 

* * *

 

 

It’s Day 4 of Missionmas and when the elders arrived at the training hall they found a note on the board,

‘Hello Elders,

I’m sorry I forgot to tell you but I had to take Elder Cunningham to the dentist and therefore I will not be able to attend today’s lesson. Elder Price will be in charge. I trust you all to be well behaved.

-Bishop Cunningham.’

When Connor wondered if Elder Price would take his advice on board, he didn’t actually expect there to be a PERFECT chance to take his advice, literally on a board. He laughed quietly at the irony, which rewarded him with a stranger look from Elder Poptarts, but Elder Price was directed an even stranger look from the other elders. He shifted uncomfortably under their gazes but offered a nervous smile.

‘Does anyone have any suggestions on what we could do?’ his tone seemed quite shy but Connor could sense him trying to sound cheerier.

‘We could work on organising the ugly sweater day?’ Elder Schrader suggested. Elder Price immediately shook his head.

‘We’d need the Bishop to help finalise ideas for it, how about we do something, y’know, fun?’

Connor could sense Elder Price trying. The Elders shrugged. They weren’t cooperating. Elder Price shrunk back. Connor groaned.

‘Guys you’re no help! Maybe we could do more fund raising?’ Connor tried.

‘What can we do?’ Elder Davis asked, ‘I mean we could make Christmas cards.’

‘The Sunday School kids are already doing that.’ Elder Zelder spoke up.

Connor had an idea. ‘How about a nativity! Bishop Cunningham loved that idea of Elder Prices.’ Elder Prices eyes widened at the mention of his name and he looked up at Connor, for the first time without a scowl, but he also wasn’t smiling. He was very expressionless but it beat the expression of hatred. ‘We could do a paid performance for it. It’ll give us enough money for Elder Evans’ bench.’

‘That could work!’ Elder Poptarts replied, ‘but we’re all boys and it takes ages to write a play! How will we do it in time?’

‘I still have the script from my last family nativity. I have costumes and props too! I could direct it if you want?’

Connors grin was wide. ‘That’d be brilliant Elder Price!’ The corner of Elder Prices lips tugged upwards at the praise but it only lasted a second before he was back to his expressionlessness. ‘How about you and some of the other Elders go to retrieve the script and props whilst the rest of us set up a stage area?’

Elder Price nodded and looked around the room for Elders willing to help. Connor nudged Elder Poptarts, and he got the message. Connor knew Elder Poptarts and Elder Church had problems with Elder Price. He hoped that they’d be friendly enough to each other and hopefully form some kind of alliance.

‘Elder Church and I will be happy to help you, Elder Price. How far away is your house?’

‘Just down the road.’ Elder Price stated with a tentative smile. Of course it’s alright for him to smile when it’s not at Connor.

Once they left Connor helped move the pews and within 10 minutes they were back with arms full of boxes. It reminded Connor of the day he moved here. The empty space with the brown boxes. That day his mom had encouraged him to join this group and make new friends, and Connor realised how similar that is with what he’s trying to do with Elder Price.

‘The first thing we should probably do is casting. All together there are 10 of us. We need a Mary, a Joseph, the prophet Nephi, the angel Gabriel, 3 wise men, 2 shepherds and King Herod.’ Elder Price suggested. He went over to the church alter and took the whiteboard pen then drew a grid with the character names on the board.

‘I think we can all agree that Elder Cunningham should be cast as Mary.’ Elder Poptarts joked. Elder Price let out a short laugh and nodded, then wrote down his name.

‘And considering their bromance, I think elder Neeley should play Joseph.’ Elder Church said, throwing a clumsy wink to Elder Neeley who rolled his eyes with a smile. The other Elders chuckled as Elder Price wrote down his name.

‘Oh, now comes the hardest role to play. Nephi. He has the most lines and is the narrator, so whoever feels as though they are a strong actor should have this role.’ Elder Price explained.

‘You should have it Elder,’ Elder Michaels suggested. ‘You obviously know this play pretty well and so we trust that you’ll perform this role perfectly.

‘Wow, gee, are you sure nobody else wants to be it?’ His face looked flushed.

‘We’re sure,’ Connor said, ‘you’ll be a great Prophet,’

He didn’t need to say it, he knows that. He doesn’t even know why he said it, but he got rewarded with a smile for saying it. An actual smile. Of course Elder Prices smile was directed at the floor, but it was still a smile from Connors words. And that made his whole face feel warm for some reason.

In the end Elder Poptarts got casted as Angel Gabriel. The two shepherds were Elder Church and Elder Davis, and despite Connor asking to be one of the 3 wise men, instead Elder Michaels, Elder Schrader and Elder Zelder were cast, and Connor purposely noted how Elder Price cast him as the Evil King Herod, but he really wasn’t bothered because he’d seen Elder Price smile more in that one day then he had ever in the whole time he’d been there and he was glad to see Elder Price get closer with the fellow Elders.

They ended up just getting familiar to the script by doing a full reading of it. The play they realised would only take half an hour to perform so as homework Elder Price told everyone to learn as many lines as they could by tomorrow so they could jump right into the first scene and hopefully have it ready to perform by Christmas eve.

At the end of the lesson Connor was pleased to see the Elders thank Elder Price on the way out, and this time when Connor thanked him, Elder Price responded with ‘Thank you for suggesting it.’

And that night, after answering all of the other questions in his ask box, Connor refreshed the page practically every 10 minutes waiting for a note from ‘K’ and when it came he instantly clicked it.

‘Dear Agony Elder,

Are you a psychic? The church bishop (and my only friend) were absent today so I was left in charge. It was terrifying at first, but the boy I hate, we can call him C’

-Connor remembered how Bishop Cunningham mentioned his name on the first day of training, it made Connors stomach feel weird knowing that Elder Price remembered his name. Maybe the feeling was curiosity because his discovery must mean Elder Prices name begins with a K if he calls Connor ‘C’. Connor wondered what it could be. Kyle? Kayden? Kristian? Who knows.-

‘Well he suggested that we do my idea of a group performance of the nativity to spread festive cheer! Just like you said to do. It turned out great! I had to get props with two Elders who I know don’t like me well, and although the walk we went on was only 10 minutes I realised that they aren’t actually that bad. I enjoyed speaking to them. They were funny and included me, and C included me and it felt so nice to be accepted. They even let me be cast the main role! But all in all, I still dislike C a lot and so I cast him as Herod because I know beneath his charming persona he has evil intentions.

Also, all of the Elders thanked me on the way out of Church. It felt great to be appreciated by people my own age, and I’m actually looking forward to not having to do mission studies tomorrow. Thank you for the help. I still dislike C but right now I feel a lot better,

-K.’

Yes, Connor won’t deny that message did hurt him a little bit. He didn’t even know why because just a few nights ago he had Elder Price screaming how much he hates Connor directly to his face, but he thinks that maybe it’s because in the letter Elder Price mentioned how well he got on with the other elders, even though they didn’t make half the effort that Connor did until later in the session.

But he noted that in the last line Elder Price had written ‘dislike’ not ‘hate’, but still he didn’t want Elder Price to dislike him, especially not after all the effort Connor’s making. He wanted them to be compatible together.

Connor can’t explain how he feels about Elder Price, recently he just cares a lot about helping him and to make him happy, and the desire for the Elder to become happier gets stronger whenever Connor sees him smile. Elder Prices smile suited his face perfectly. If Connor had a smile like Elder Prices he’d never frown again because it was just so beautiful. It made Connor feel warm when looking at it, and Connor liked the feeling, and so he wants to make Elder Price smile more.

He thought carefully before typing out a reply.

‘Dear K,

I’m very glad to hear that you’re making positive progress. I wish I was psychic, that would be awesome! But sadly I’m not :(

I’m pleased you are expanding on your friendships and that you recognise that occasionally our first opinions on somethings can change. Maybe you could consider what you’ve learnt from the 2 Elders you originally weren’t keen on and apply it to C. If you get the chance to go on short walk tomorrow, or get a few minutes to chat privately to C you might discover things about him which you didn’t notice before. This may change your opinion on him, especially if you are able to find a common ground.

Your devious casting choice did make me laugh, but make sure not to mix up C’s actual personality with C’s character during this performance, it could cause your negative feelings for him to increase if you tie the two together. I hope your performance goes well! Message me if you need any more help.

Yours,

Agony Elder.’

 

* * *

 

 

Bishop Cunningham loved the idea of the nativity. Arnold Cunningham did not.

‘Why do I have to be the chick, I’m the manliest here! Can’t I be Jesus or something?’ He whined.

‘It’s because you got the boobs for it,’ Elder Neeley joked, pointing at Elder Cunningham’s flabby chest. He gasped and his hands shot up is if to cover his imaginary breasts immediately. The Elders gave a mixed result of gasps and laughs, not used to hearing the word.

‘Inappropriate!’ Bishop reprimanded, but Connor could see his mouth threatening a smile.

‘Seriously guys, can’t we get a church girl to be it instead, or someone’s sister. Kevin! You’ve got such a hot sister, she’s like an elven princess.’

Kevin?

‘Elder Cunningham how many times have I told you, you must always address your fellow Elders professionally,’ Bishop sighed, rubbing his forehead in frustration.

Elder Price?

‘I’m sorry dad, it slipped out. Sorry Elder Price.’

So Elder Prices name is Kevin? Kevin Price. It fit. Kevin and Connor. Their names sounded good. The strange fuzzy feeling in Connors chest returned. He took it as satisfaction. ‘K’ was for Kevin.

‘I’m so silly, I can never keep my mouth shut. I’ll be quiet now… I mean, maybe I’ll like being Mary, her dress is like a robe- Like Gandalf!’

‘Umm… okay. Well anyway, how about we start rehearsing.’

And so they did.

Kevin Price’s directing skills, Connor noted, were brilliant. Like he had hoped, everyone learnt their scripts, apart from Elder Cunningham of course, but he decided to just improvise and the outcome gave the piece some comedy to constant the seriousness. His directions were very clear to follow and even the weakest actors were able to act believably by imitating Kevin acting out their role, and Connor guessed the strange turning feeling in his stomach was jealousy because Kevin’s acting was just as good as his directing and he could perform the whole play perfectly if he had to.

They managed to block out half of the play that day, and concluded it would probably take another 4 days to finish and perfect it but even now, Connor realised, what they had already was really good, and it was all down to Elder Price. The other Elders seemed to notice too as on the way out everyone flocked around Kevin, telling him how great the show is going to be and how thankful they are.

Connor walked over to the group and that’s when he heard Elder Davis announce that his parents are letting him have a Christmas sleepover on the 12th day of missionmas, which will be in a weeks’ time on the 23rd.

Bishop overheard and stated how brilliant that idea is as it’d give the Elders a chance to experience what their mission will be like.

All elders quickly agreed and Connor became very excited.

‘-And moms put together loads of super fun activities! We can watch Christmas movies and sing Christmas songs and roast chestnuts! This is going to be great!’ Elder Davis raved. ‘And oh, Elder Price are you busy tonight?’ he asked, ‘I told my mom about the nativity and she said she’d love to speak to you about it considering you’re the only elder here she’s never met outside of church.’

Elder Price looked shocked.

‘Oh, yeah! Of course, I’m free tonight, I just need to clear up thus,’ he gestured to the props thrown around the floor, ‘I’ll catch you up in 5 minutes, just wait outside.’ Elder Price smiled. The other Elder nodded and left the church hall, followed by the rest of the training missionaries. Connor Mckinley must have lingered in the cloak room for too long because before he had even finished zipping up his black Harrington jacket, he heard the voice of Elder Price behind him.

‘Elder Mckinley, do you think you could lend me a hand?’ His voice sounded strained as if that sentence was the most challenging thing he had ever said.

Connor nodded instantly and slipped his coat off, ‘of course, what do you need me to do?’

‘Can you fold the costumes into that bag over there?’ he asked, pointing vaguely to a black bag that Connor hadn’t seen before. He walked over to it and picked it up, automatically recognising the familiar faces on the design.

‘I didn’t peg you as a Disney fan,’ Connor stated, bringing the bag down to the pile of costumes on the floor. He knelt down and neatly folded the first costume on top of the pile, ‘Especially not a ‘Nightmare before Christmas’ one, I didn’t think Mormons were allowed to watch that.’

Kevin shrugged across the room, picking up the last prop, which was a shepherds staff and putting it in a box.

‘The moral of the story is really good in it though, and so is the music. My parents were kind of apprehensive to let me see it at first, but I’d seen every other Disney film at least a hundred times so they decided maybe it was best to watch something new.’ Kevin explained.

‘A hundred times?’ Connor asked amazed.

‘At least.’ Kevin added with a smile. ‘Do you need some help?’

Connor nodded and made space next to him for Kevin to sit down. He did and they started folding clothes again. Connor purposely took his time though. He wanted to talk more to Kevin.

‘I personally thought if you were going to break Mormon rules by watching ‘inappropriate’ films you’d be a huge Harry Potter fan.’

‘Oh trust me, I am,’ Kevin laughed.

‘Really? Well I’m a huge Disney fan,’ Connor grinned. ‘Where would you rather go, Harry Potter world or Disney world.’

‘Disney!’ the reply came instantly and enthusiastically, ‘Both are so good, but ever since I was a child I’ve always dreamed of going back to Disney, I went when I was 9 and it will always be the one place I dream to go back to.’

Connor smiled, because Kevin was smiling, but Kevin’s eyes were cast downwards, focusing on the costume in his hands.

And then when blue met brown Connors heart skipped a beat.

He doesn’t think it started beating again until Kevin looked away. It must’ve only been a few seconds but to Connor it felt like hours. He took this eye contact as a sense of accomplishment. Kevin’s voice bought him back to reality.

‘What about you?’

‘Oh, definitely Disney too. I’m kind of a sucker for all the traditional animations and songs.’ Connor admitted.

‘Me too! But I also really like the newer films like Tangled.’

‘I haven’t seen that.’

Kevin gasped, ‘What! How- you need to watch it like- right now!’

Connor laughed at Kevin’s heartbroken reaction. He didn’t understand how Kevin was acting so comfortable around him already. It must just be due to the conversation being on Disney. Connor knows that if the topic is his passion he’d ramble on about it for hours to anyone at all.

‘I’ll watch them tonight,’ Connor promised, and he made a pact to himself to stay true to his word in order to have an excuse to talk to Kevin tomorrow.

‘You better! Tangled is one of my top 15 favourite Disney movies.’

‘Well if it’s ranked that highly on your list then I have no choice but to watch it.’ Connor joked. He received a small nudge on his leg from Kevin and the contact make his skin feel like it was on fire. Kevin’s brown eyes now lay permanently on Connors blue ones, and the ghost of a smile remained etched on his pink lips.

‘Well what’s your favourite Disney movie?’ He asked Connor with seemingly sincere curiosity in his eyes, his voice was softer than before, his excited yelling died down. Connor wondered why it felt so natural to talk to him. Especially considering he knew he’d get another message tonight of Kevin saying how much he hates him.

‘It’s lame but I really love ‘The Little Mermaid’. I had a friend in Provo when I was younger called Steve and he’d always compare me to Ariel, and it felt like the best compliment I’d ever been given. Better than being compared to King Herod I guess,’ Connor joked.

‘It wasn’t my fault,’ Kevin whined, exaggerating his words, ‘we ran out of roles. I’ll happily go back and alter the script and change the role of Herod to Ariel if you really want but I doubt Bishop Cunningham would be impressed.’

Connor laughed, ‘Alright, alright, I see your point. Now enlighten me, Elder Price, on what your favourite Disney film is?’

Kevin paused to think about this question for a long enough time for Connor to have finished folding all but one costume. It was amusing watching the brunette deep in thought. Connor had always viewed Kevin as quite dull and expressionless, but within the minute it took him to choose a correct answer, Connor had seen his face go through about 20 different expressions. He finally answered.

‘Princess and the frog.’

‘I wouldn’t have expected that,’ Connor said, surprised, because he genuinely wasn’t expecting that.

Kevin shrugged, ‘Well I guess like you relate to Ariel, I relate to Tiana.’

And Connor recognised the resemblance immediately. Tiana and Kevin are both introverted, hardworking, family orientated people. Just like Tiana and her work, Kevin will do all the studying he can in order to reach his final goal, even if it means not having much time for his friends. In the film Tiana only ended up happy in the end after she realised that what she wanted was not what she needed, and Connor had a feeling that’s exactly when Kevin is coming to understand.

‘I see what you mean,’ Connor smiled, handing the final folded costume to Kevin, and when Kevin took it off him their fingers brushed, and Connor let them touch for maybe a moment too long before letting go of the fabric, but Kevin didn’t seem to notice.

‘Thanks for the help, I should probably get going. Elder Davis is waiting.’

‘It was no problem. It was nice finally being able to speak to you.’

‘You too.’

‘Well, I’ll see you tomorrow. Have fun with Elder Davis.’

‘I will. Goodbye Elder.’

‘Goodbye.’

He didn’t get a message from K until late that night. He had been watching tangled when he got the notification and so far the movie had been wonderful and he could see why Kevin wanted him to view it.

‘Dear Agony Elder,

I took your advice and spoke to C today. He stayed behind with me for a few minutes and that was all I needed to realise that I was wrong about him. He seems much nicer and more genuine than I thought. I still can’t depict entirely whether it’s an act or truly who he is, but I still find myself wanting to tolerate him more.

The problem is that he seemed very nervous talking to me. A few weeks ago I yelled at him. The things I said weren’t nice at all. I think he’s afraid of me.’

Connor was confused by this because talking to Kevin didn’t make him feel that way at all. He liked connecting with him and felt comfortable.

‘We found a common interest almost instantly and there was no awkwardness speaking to him. I don’t think I want to be friends yet, but the small talk and friendliness felt so much better than staying distant and angry. I don’t know how you’ve managed to change me this much already but I’m not complaining. I got invited to a sleepover today with the other church members, which has happened before but I’ve never accepted the invitation before. I usually prefer to stay at home, but now I’m excited to go.

Sorry my message is coming in late, I just got back from my friend’s house. It’s a new friend. The invitation came out of nowhere but he was fun to hang around with and it felt refreshing speaking to more people.

Although my relationship with all the Mormons at my church are improving, I feel awful for arguing with C before and don’t know how to make him feel more comfortable around me,

-K.’

Connors heart pained when he read Kevin didn’t want to be friends, but at least he wants to be friendly and that’s a start. When reading the letter he couldn’t help but feel nauseous when Kevin mentioned Elder Davis. He didn’t know what this emotion he felt was but he wasn’t fond of it. The closest thing he could compare it to is jealousy, but why would he be jealous? He had no idea. He’s been feeling much too confused by Kevin recently.

‘Dear K,

Well done on speaking to C. I’m glad you two are becoming friendlier. You don’t have to be friends and it’s good to acknowledge that. Just be what you want to be :) as for the argument you’ve had, maybe C is just confused and doesn’t know whether you’re being sincere or not. It can be strange to experience someone’s view on you flipping and C could expect you to still be angry at him and therefore hold back from being fully trusting of you.

If you haven’t already I think you should definitely apologise and tell C your feelings on him now.

It is great that you are focusing your friends in your life more. Always remember that studies aren’t everything. You should always keep a healthy balance between your studies and social life.

I’m here for you if you need any more help,

Yours,

Agony Elder.’

 

* * *

 

 

It was day 6 of Missionmas, meaning they were half way through, and Connor realised how much he would miss seeing the Elders every day. Of course, most went to the same school as him, however as Connor was one of the youngest in the training center he didn’t get to hang out with most of them. Thankfully Elder Poptarts is the same age as Connor and so they have a few classes together, but still he enjoyed the company of the group. They were all so compatible together and seeing them only once a week doesn’t seem like enough.

They were taking a short 10 minute break from working on their play. Connor was sat with Elder Church and Elder Poptarts, and he noticed Kevin was sat with Elder Davis, Elder Neeley and Elder Cunningham. It was unusual seeing Kevin willingly sit in a group, however he seemed happy and was smiling at something Elder Neeley had said.

And Connor definitely wasn’t staring,

Except,

He kinda was.

And so when Kevin looked up and locked eyes with Connor he let out a surprised yelp and spun himself around on his chair so fast that it toppled over and left him flat on the ground.

The Elders he was sat with – who had been emerged in conversation before – noticed their friend and gasped, then began to laugh. Elder Poptarts immediately helped Connor up,

‘What in heavenly father happened there?’ He asked, concerned but amused by what he just witnessed.

‘I have no idea,’ Connor lied and laughed along with what happened, even though he could feel a large bruise beginning to form on his hip.

Behind him he could hear shoes echoing on the floor getting closer to him. He turned around and was greeted by Elder Price whose eyes showed worry, but lips showed amusement considering he was biting his lip to hold back a grin. Connor shouldn’t be paying attention to the boy’s lips but he couldn’t help but feel annoyed at the way Kevin’s bottom lip was caught in between his teeth because it was blocking his pretty smile. And of course the only reason Connor wants to see his smile is because when Kevin smiles it means he’s happy, and it’s due to Connors help that he’s happy so to Connor the smile is his reward for his hard work, even if the ‘hard work’ in this situation is clumsily falling off a chair.

Kevin’s cheeks turn red under Connors intense gaze. When Connor realises he probably seemed creepy seemingly examining Kevin’s face, he focusses his eyes back on Kevin’s.

‘Are you okay?’ He asked, ‘I honestly have no idea how that happened but it looked like it would’ve hurt a lot.’

‘Yeah I’m good, my hip just hurts a little.’

‘Well the best way to avoid hurting yourself again is probably to not throw yourself off a chair.’ Kevin joked.

Connor laughed, ‘I’ll try not to.’

The situation confused Connor though because Kevin showed more concern than any of the other Elders and yet he didn’t even like Connor. Connor put it down as to him just being a good Mormon, but when Kevin decided to join their group and take a seat next to Connor for the rest of the break time Connor didn’t know what to think. He supposed it was maybe to be there in case Connor fell again, but that seemed unlikely. He’d probably find out tonight when ‘K’ messages him.

Elder Poptarts was telling a story about how he and his family went to an ice cream parlour and all of the servers who worked there were Mormon and so he got a free sundae.

‘That’s so awesome!’ Elder Church beamed. ‘A free ice cream just for being a Mormon! I want to go there.’

‘We can if you’d like,’ Elder Poptarts offered. ‘It’s not far from here, only a 20 minute walk. We could go after training.’

‘Yeah okay sure, do you guys want to come?’ Elder Church directed the question to Connor and Kevin.

‘Sure,’ Kevin agreed instantly.

Connor seemed hesitant, ‘I don’t have any money on me.’ He admitted.

‘Did you miss the whole ‘free ice cream’ thing?’ Elder Church queried as if it was the most obvious thing.

Elder Poptarts scowled at his friends mocking tone, ‘He can’t just walk in there and demand a free ice cream, there was at least 10 minutes of small talk between my parents and the worker before they were offered. Don’t worry though, Elder Mckinley I’ll pay for you.’

‘You really don’t have to-‘

‘Shh, yes I do, come, please,’ his friend begged. ‘Don’t leave me alone with this.’ He gestured to Elder Church who faked a hurt expression.

‘You won’t be alone,’ Connor stated, ’You have Elder Price too.’

Kevin laughed but then pouted looked at Connor like a puppy dog, ‘Please Elder Mckinley, don’t leave me alone with these.’ Elder Poptarts now shared the same exaggerated look as Elder Church.

And so Connor agreed to come because how could he say no to those eyes.

 

* * *

 

Elder Poptarts is a great Mormon, but boy is he shifty. When he came over to the table they were sat out with a tray of four sundaes none of them had ordered all the Elders were confused.

‘What?’ He asked, taking a strawberry one from the tray as soon as he sat down. He immediately dug in.

‘How did you get those?’ Connor replied, ‘I thought you only went to the toilet.’

‘I did- well, I was supposed to but on the way out the worker from last time recognised me and considering I’m in my uniform it sparked a small conversation. I told her I had three friends with me and we’d just come back from mission training. Then she asked me how the lesson was and I told her about the nativity and she said she’d love to go see it. She seemed super interested in it and expressed how wonderful she thought the idea was, then out of nowhere she asked what flavours we would like for a complimentary nativity treat. I guess her Mormon friendliness that compelled her to want to give us free food, or maybe it was just my charm.’ He smirked.

‘Well that explains why you took so long.’ Elder Church stated.

‘I didn’t know what flavours to get. I knew Elder Church would’ve chosen Chocolate, so then I just randomly got mint and caramel.’

Connor was surprised when Kevin picked mint, and especially surprised when he said it was one of his favourite flavours. He thought Kevin would’ve preferred the caramel. It matched his tanned skin and he has imagined Kevin to have a sweet tooth.

Once Elder Poptarts and Elder Church had ensconced themselves in their own private conversation across the table, Connor curiously asked Kevin what his favourite flavour was.

‘This is probably strange for a Mormon but coffee.’

That certainly was a surprise. Connor has tried coffee flavoured foods before and found the taste unpleasant and bitter.

‘Really? That is strange… and disgusting. Coffee is so bitter.’ Connor grimaced.

Kevin raised an eyebrow, ‘Oh really? Well I think caramel is disgusting. Too sweet. But maybe that’s why you like it. You are what you eat.’

Connor tilted his head to the side, ‘what do you mean?’

‘You’re too sweet.’ Kevin answered, ‘There is literally nothing unkind about you. I probably should’ve said this earlier I know, but I’m really sorry for yelling at you in church that day. It was just a really hard day for me with the whole… situation, and I took it out on you. To be honest, the things I said that day were what I thought, but I’ve changed my mind since then. I judged you too quickly and I’m sorry I’m only just realising how wrong I was.’

Connor wasn’t expecting him to apologise like that. Especially so sincerely. Kevin Price’s words seemed almost effortless, yet he could see the boy was obviously effected thinking back to the memory because his face fell, and when he avoided Connors gaze it made the redhead just want to hug Kevin and take his hands and look at him in the eyes and tell him it’s okay and make him smile again. The feeling was so confusing, he just feels like he needs Kevin to be okay. It was almost concerning how much the brunette had managed to affect Connor so recently.

He hadn’t cared this much about anyone since fifth grade.

And for some reason he felt so sick at that moment.

But Kevin was anxiously waiting his reply and so Connor pushed the nauseous feeling down and responded to the boy.

‘You don’t have to apologise. I understand why you said it… with the situation and everything. It’s understandable and I’m just glad you don’t hate me anymore.’

Kevin smiled, ‘I’m glad I don’t either. I was right when I said everyone loves you though, but I don’t blame then because I feel like I’m starting to rapidly grow quite fond of you. I just wish I’d have realised at the start instead of being so scared of new competition.’

That made Connor so much happier than it should have, and he felt his stomach flip and subconsciously he was starting to understand what that feeling could be, but he was too happy with Kevin’s confession to mind.

‘Well I’m just happy we’re friends now,’ Connor blurted out. He didn’t mean to say it and his eyes widened almost as much as Kevin’s, and the fear of rejection became apparent in Connors beating heart because he was foolish for speaking without thinking and he knows that ‘K’ doesn’t want to be his friend and so Kevin probably felt really uncomfortable.

But then his perfect smile overtook any surprise in his features. ‘I’m glad we’re friends too.’

 

* * *

 

 

The rest of the outing was spent mainly speaking to Kevin about basic information. He found out that Kevin had 5 brothers and sisters. He was the oldest. He is doing exceptionally well at school and in the future wants to be a journalist. His favourite music (besides Disney songs) is alternative, however his parents don’t approve of some of the music, however they seem quite relaxed as they still let Kevin listen to it quietly with headphones in. He also has a white cat called marshmallow but he’s more of a dog person.

Connor loved finding out these quirky facts about Kevin’s, which was just as well considering Kevin had a habit of talking about himself. Not in an arrogant way. He’d just get so caught up when telling Connor stories that another story will relate to his first story so he’ll tell that story and not even finish the first one and the cycle goes on until he realises how much he is rambling. Then he’d stop rambling and ask Connor a question, which he’ll reply. And Connors reply will relate to another story of Kevin’s and so the cycle continues.

Connor found Kevin’s passion endearing. Watching his pretty lips curve perfectly around every word he says perfectly quickly became a new favourite pastime for Connor. He became mesmerised by the way the corners of Kevin’s mouth always slightly turned up. And how he had a habit of sticking his tongue out occasionally.

He decided he could watch the boy speak all day,

Only he couldn’t because that would be weird.

But he wanted to,

And that was a problem.

Connor mind had been going wild that evening since he got home. He hasn’t been able to stop thinking about Kevin. The brunette boy was always on his mind, and he got butterflies in his stomach whenever he got a notification on his phone in case it was Kevin, and it never was.

Connor doesn’t get crushes. His last crush was in fifth grade and the punishment he got for it from heavenly father was enough to steer away from any attractions he could have on people.

He was supposed to be cured.

But if he was cured the thought of holding Kevin’s hand wouldn’t seem so inviting to him, and he wouldn’t have spent most of the evening day dreaming about his perfect lips.

Connor was smitten. He can’t deny it. And it’s not okay. He fears the hell dreams will come back. They were agonising and he can’t deal with sleep deprivation at this point of his life. With school and mission training a crush is the worst thing Connor could have – even if his crush was on a girl. Yet, all he wants is Kevin. He prays heavenly father will be kinder to him now that he’s older. If anything, it feels like punishment in itself considering Kevin Price will never feel any strong emotions to him, and despite their newfound ‘friendship’ the awful things Kevin had said to him before still remain and it hurts to think about.

He is so lost on what to do.

On one hand he could continue to be civil with Elder Price, not progress on their friendship and slowly break contact once missionmas is over. But on the other, he can’t do that because regardless of his issues with Connor being somewhat resolved, Kevin still needs Agony Elders help and guidance. He doesn’t want Elder Price to revert to his introverted ways once Christmas is over and studying becomes a priority again. He wants Kevin to be able to seek comfort in his online blog whenever he needs to because he knows even as friends, Kevin isn’t the type of person to seek guidance from people in real life.

Connor was so caught up in thought he always missed his phone alert him of a notification. He glanced at it and saw it was K immediately. 

‘Dear Agony Elder,

I’ve exceeded my expectations on progress making and I feel great about it. I didn’t expect my opinion on C to change so quickly but for some reason it has. Today when we were practicing the nativity play I spent most of break with him and his friends. It felt natural and I felt no strong feelings of disliking. It felt nice. Then one of his friends invited us out for ice cream and I had such a great time. We walked side by side and talked about anything and everything for the whole 20 minutes. We didn’t disagree once. Even when I speak to my best friend there’s still some topics we bicker about.

It was when we got to the ice cream place that I apologised and it felt as if a huge weight of negativity had been lifted off my shoulders when I did so.

Then he called us friends.

Yes. Friends. And now that’s what we are.

The same guy I despised just a week ago is now my friend.

The same Mormons I spent my entire life just being church acquaintances with are now my friends.

I’ve always seen friendship as such a big commitment. The thought of friendship used to terrify me because I viewed it as such a big deal. I’ve never accepted friendships before, even with my best friend. I didn’t want to be his friend at first, I’d tell him he wasn’t my friend and to go away but he stuck around. Nobody else bothered to stick around that’s why I accepted him as a friend. But now I realise the only reason people didn’t stick around is because I didn’t make an effort with them, but now that I’m letting them in they chose to stay.

Now I’ve realised that friends are just the people you surround yourself with that make you happy. And C makes me happy.

And it’s all thanks to your help that I’ve realised all of this.

I think for now I’m done with your service :)

My thoughts are much happier now. Thank you for all your help,

-K’

What?

Wait, no.

Was that it then?

Was Kevin finished with him?

 Connor feels stupid. He has Kevin in real life. They’re friends now. That’s great! Really great. So why is he sad that Kevin doesn’t need Agony Elders help anymore?

It doesn’t make sense for him to feel this way. He knows how stupid it seems but in that short time Kevin confided anonymously with a ‘stranger’, Connor felt such a connection. He felt excited to learn new things and how he feels and there was a lot more to K then Kevin when it came down to displaying feelings.

Connor couldn’t let that go just yet. K trusts him. Kevin doesn’t.

‘Dear K,

That sounds fantastic. I’m so delighted about you and C. You don’t have to thank me though. My advice only works if you stick to it and you must’ve stuck to it very hard to achieve these results so quickly.’

Connor realised that Kevin stuck to his advice extremely well, probably because Kevin Price is a hard worker who does everything to the best of his abilities and doesn’t give us. Connor admired his tenacity deeply. As soon as he’d seen how strict Kevin is to his learning and how smart he is he’d had some kind of admiration for him.

‘So, if anything, I should be saying thank you for taking my advice on board so well. I think your understanding of friendship is beautiful and all my followers should listen to you on that because you are very correct.

I’m so glad you’re happy.

I know you say you don’t need any more advice, however I’d be very interested to keep up to date with your situation regarding C so if anything happens which you want to tell about, or need advice about feel free to DM me and we can talk there. :)

Yours,

Agony Elder.’

 

* * *

 

 

By day 10 of missionmas they were finished with perfecting the nativity and had done 2 moderately successful run-throughs. Their show is in 3 days’ time and usually Connor feels nervous about things like this, but he felt excited more than anything. They had just finished their final run-through of the day and decided to take some time to unwind from show stress.

Their lesson took place in the main Church that day because they had to get the stage set up for their actual performance. The run-throughs they did in the church got a bit messed up at times due to the space being narrower and the stage exits being unfamiliar but they still managed.

As soon as their last lines had been said they took their bows and Bishop Cunningham applauded them on doing such wonderful jobs. He had told them that they had just started the ticket sales and already all regular church goers had bought some, therefore to sell the rest they were going to all go around the neighbourhood with their partners tomorrow and sell them door to door to educate people on Mormonism. This excited Connor as it felt like real missionary business. He’s also hoping to put in some placements whilst he’s at it.

The Elders left the stage and headed to the backroom for some refreshments, however, Connor decided to sit down next to the tree. The holiday season made him cheerful and so looking at the pretty lights on the tree was nice.

He felt a presence beside his and turned his head to find Kevin sitting next to him with his legs crossed. The image made him think back to the night Kevin told Connor he hated him and the way he cried. The memory broke Connors heart. It felt so distant although it happened almost a month ago. It was frightening how their relationship built. Just over two weeks ago Kevin wouldn’t be seen with anyone other than Elder Cunningham, and yet now they’re both seen hanging out with many different Elders.

Connor knows Elder Cunningham is happy about the change in Kevin’s behaviour too as although he obviously loves Kevin, it felt like a weight had been lifted knowing he isn’t the only person Kevin has anymore. They’re still best friends though, of course.

It had been 4 days since Connor had last heard from K and he knows all in all it’s good because it means Kevin doesn’t need help, but he wants to know more about how Kevin feels. The things that Kevin won’t tell Connor.

Connors pretty much accepted that he has some kind of ‘more-than-friends’ feelings for the brunette. Thankfully, he hasn’t been having hell dreams. Frightfully, he’s been having dreams which he could deem as even worse. All his dreams included Kevin. In them they’re a happy couple usually doing simple, domestic things like living together and cuddling or cooking together and it made him happy during the dreams but when he’d wake up his heart would pang wishing it wasn’t just a simple dream. It’s like his feelings for Kevin came slowly then all at once and it hurts because for Kevin his feelings are just slow. He’d never want to be anything but friends with Connor and that feels more like hell than a burning pit of fire.

Kevin gave his friend a smile, ‘Are you okay?’

‘Yeah, I’m fine, just admiring the tree.’

Kevin shuffled closer to Connor and reached to touch a bauble. It was the fake icicle. ‘Pretty nice tree if you ask me.’

Connor agreed.

‘This is my favourite decoration.’ He stated, trying to make conversation. Connor looked at the boring icicle plainly.

‘Why?’

'It's mine. Personalised. I chose it when I was young, then my dad scratched my name into it and gave it to the church when they first got the tree. Look.' Kevin pointed to the glass and Connor recognised the word 'KEVIN' etched into the glass. he furrowed his eyes.

'Why did you chose to have such a plain ornament.'

‘It’s pretty.’

‘It’s just a cone of glass.’

‘A pretty cone of glass. Look closer at it. The glass isn’t ordinary. It’s crystallised. Inside of the cone there are hundreds of tiny fragments. It might not seem that exciting on its own but when you have it positioned at just the right angel next to the right light it looks stunning.’ He explained, taking Connors hand and putting the glass in his grasp. He guided Connors hand up to a golden light and his touch lingered on Connors for maybe a second too long before he dropped his hand. The light danced into the crystals and bounced off in every direction. The way it hit Kevin’s eyes, making the warm brown seem so lively made Connors heart flutter. He felt his breath halt.

‘You’re right. Very, very beautiful.’ And Connor didn’t know whether he was talking about Kevin or the icicle because he breathed the words without thought and not once did his eyes leave Kevin’s.

They were a lot closer than they thought. Connor could see every detail of Kevin’s face. The different specks of brown in his beautiful eyes, the soft pink blush on his tanned skin, the imprints of his smile on his pink lips. He let his eyes stay rested on them. He knew that if he just leaned in a slight bit more he’d be able to feel Kevin’s pretty lips on his, and that was all he could think about doing in that moment, especially when Kevin’s tongue licked across his bottom lip, the same way it does when he’s talking too much. And all Connor craved was the taste of that tongue against his own.

But he knew that would not be acceptable. He knew it would mess up the friendship they had only just created, and that’s not what he wanted to do. And so instead he averted his gaze back to the tree and let the icicle drop from the light.

Neither knew what to say at that moment. And so they just sat quietly, listening to the muffled laughs coming from the back room and the marry tunes of Christmas songs.

 

* * *

 

 

‘I need your help.’

That was the first thing Kevin saw when he turned his phone on that evening. It was from a tumblr user called ‘Pricelando’.

No surprise who that is.

Connor felt nervous about the message. He could sense it was going to be about what happened earlier. Although after the incident they went into the back room and everything went back to normal between them he knows Kevin might have noticed Connors intentions and so he was scared to see what ‘K’ thought.

‘What’s the matter?’

Connor chose to reply.

‘I’m so confused.’

‘About what?’

‘C.’

Connor groaned and mentally prepared himself for heartbreak.

‘What’s happened with C?’

Kevin spent a good 3 minutes typing his reply. All those 3 minutes were spent with Connor having a slight panic attack thinking about how he was going to approach Kevin tomorrow without awkwardness.

‘We were sat together after run-throughs. We were next to a Christmas tree and to start conversation I showed him my favourite ornament from the tree. Its glass and shines like a million crystals by the light and so I demonstrated by putting it next to a golden fairylight.

 I can’t describe how I felt looking at C in that moment. As soon as the light hit him I just felt so captivated. I’ve never felt this way before. It felt like in that moment I couldn’t look away.

The golden light flattered his pale skin so much, and he has red hair that looked like flames under the glow. His freckles appeared to be stars. I obviously knew he was attractive before - but in that moment ‘attractive’ wasn’t the right word to describe him. He looked unreal. His whole face just looked so soft and he was so close to me and when he looked at me my stomach felt fuzzy and my face burn.

I thought he was going to kiss me, and I’ve never thought of kissing anyone before but at that moment I think I wanted it.

It was so overwhelming.

I don’t know what to do.

I don’t know what this means.

The feeling made me happy so I’m definitely not opposed to it – even if it is what I think it is.

I’m just so confused.’

Connor was shocked. What Kevin described was exactly how he felt too. He felt ecstatic and frightened and nervous at the thought of Kevin being okay with what could’ve been a kiss. He was amazed at how open Kevin was with his feelings. Despite himself being a strict Mormon, his parents appeared to have been lenient with him, letting him watch ‘unholy’ films and listen to ‘inappropriate’ music so maybe that’s why Kevin felt okay with having these thoughts.

Connor viewed gay as bad and wrong for too long as a child. It wasn’t his parents who pushed these ideas into his mind. It was the church and the kids at school who would use homophobic slurs as insults, and it was heavenly father for giving him bad dreams due to his… fantasies. But he doesn’t view it that way anymore. Through his Tumblr blog he had spoken to many gay Mormons, telling them they are valid and that heavenly father doesn’t make mistakes. It was easy to tell other people that because it was true.

Usually replying to messages comes easy to him, but this situation was different.

He really didn’t know how to reply.

‘That sounds really tough to deal with. Just follow what you think is right. From what you said C seems to feel the same way. Just remember those feelings are completely natural and whatever decision you make, as long as you feel happy, is the right one. :)’

Connor cringed. It sounded so fake but he had no idea what to say. Connor is very accepting of gay people, but he feels frightened by the possibility of having a relationship. Maybe it is all down to the hell dreams but he just doesn’t know how he’d react if one day Kevin does make a move, would he push Kevin away or go with it? The thought was scary.

Of course Kevin didn’t pick up on how forced the message sounded because he sent a sincere reply of;

‘Thank you. You’re right. I will. And I’ll make sure to keep you in touch.’

Everything felt like too much that night.

 

* * *

 

It was nice spending one on one time with Elder Poptarts. Usually his blonde companion had a certain brunette attached to his hip. Of course Connor didn’t mind Elder Poptarts hanging out with Elder Church. He was a nice guy and Connor got along with all the elders so if anything the extra company was nice, but he was glad he’d be able to spend some time just him and his companion.

They got assigned a certain area in their neighbourhood. The area of Salt Lake City they lived in was a small suburb so the streets each elder got assigned covered pretty much their entire community.

The sales weren’t as hard to do as Connor had originally guessed. As there were a lot of Mormons around everyone happily bought tickets. The church wasn’t huge but its capacity was a fair 150.

This meant each pair of elders had 20 tickets to sell. And a lot of Mormons had big families. So the 20 tickets were gone almost within the first 20 minutes of the hour they were given to sell them. After their final sale Elder Poptarts suggested continuing to go around the neighbourhood and make some placements, however Connor didn’t really feel like it and so instead they headed back to the mission hut and found it bare.

‘Where do you think Bishop Cunningham is?’

‘Probably supervising Elder Cunningham,’ Elder Poptarts said with a shrug. Although the bishop trusts Kevin to set a good example for his son he knows Elder Cunningham can get a bit… excited at opportunities like this.

‘Yeah.’ Connor agreed. ‘So, there’s not much to do. Want to sit down?’ He offered. Elder Poptarts nodded and sat. Connor followed and soon a comfortable conversation overcame them.

‘What have you got your parents for Christmas?’ Connor asked. He learnt that like him Elder Poptarts is an only child. He doesn’t like to talk about his family a lot though. Connor wondered why but didn’t want to ask about it in case his friend felt uncomfortable.

‘Well my dad had been eyeing up some book about cars throughout the years so I figured it’d be nice to get that for him, and mom thinks Justin Bieber is ‘an absolute heart throb’,’ Elder Poptarts mimicked using air quotations and the best middle aged mom voice he could muster. Connor laughed. ‘So I got her his new album but Elder Church helped me censor some… explicit parts? He’s a genius when it comes to computers. I don’t know how he does it. He’s good at everything. It’s pretty incredible.’

Connor smiled as his friend rambled on about his friend. ‘So have you got Elder Church anything nice?’

‘Well I’m planning to.’ Elder Poptarts sheepishly stated, ‘but I don’t know what to get. I’m scared he’ll hate whatever I buy him.’

‘He’d never hate it, but if you’re that worried maybe you don’t have to buy something. For my family I didn’t buy them anything. I put a scrapbook together of our memories over the year. You don’t have to take on my advice but I find presents which have had a lot of effort go into them are always appreciated the most.’

‘That idea is really sweet. What could I make him though? I’m not very creative…’

‘I’m not sure. It’s up to you. Just make it personal and something he’d like.’

Elder Poptarts seemed deep in thought then on after Connors suggestion. Then Connor thought about making something for Kevin. They weren’t close friends. Hardly even friends really, but it’d seem like a peace offering. The problem is that he doesn’t know enough about Kevin to really do anything. They have no pictures together so a photo album is impossible. He could personalise a Christmas card but it just doesn’t seem like enough. All he knows is that Kevin likes Disney musicals.

‘I’ve got it! I know what I’m going to do, but it’s going to take ALL evening, and I had plans with Elder Church. I can’t just blow him off-‘ worry and excitement was a weird combination of expressions to hear. His face lit up with realisation, ‘You can hang out with him instead! Please. It isn’t fair for him to be completely blown off, just, take for place for this evening.’

Connor was confused as to why Elder Poptarts couldn’t just tell Elder Church he was busy considering they hang out all the time anyway, but then Connor realised that Elder Church is good at computer stuff, and Kevin likes music stuff. And so maybe Elder Church could help him make someone for Kevin like…

A mixtape!

The idea was cliché and embarrassing but Kevin would appreciate it and maybe bring them closer at friends. He could subliminally tell Kevin that he only wants to be friends through songs too! Such as picking songs like ‘friends on the other side,’ and ‘you’ve got a friend in me,’ to use. But at the same time that’s not what he wants, and Mormons don’t lie either, so he’ll just settle for putting his personal favourite Disney songs on the album.

‘Okay sure. Will he want that though?’

‘Of course, you’re just as much his friend as I am.’ Connor laughed,

‘I doubt that’s true but as long as he’s fine with it he can come over mine.’

‘I’ll let him know as soon as he gets back-‘ Elder Poptarts was cut off by the mission training halls door opening and revealing all other elders.

‘There you are! Sold all your tickets then?’ Bishop Cunningham asked.

‘Yep, we finished 10 minutes or so ago.’

‘Great to hear, everyone else has just finished. All this money is definitely enough for the bench, maybe we could touch up on the church gardens where we will put the bench with all the extra money we got. This is incredible. I’ll request the bench from the carver tonight. I’m sure they’ll understand the situation and get the plaque made by Christmas. I can’t wait to see how happy Mr and Mrs Evans are at all your hard work. I haven’t told you boys enough how proud I am. You’ve all been so strong and have tackled this hard time so brilliantly. Well done.’

The whole room appreciated the Bishops praise a lot. Connor agrees that all the elders had handled the loss of their friends a lot better than he could ever imagine. Of course it hurt them still. Connor knew the majority of them have therapy to help deal with it, yet they’re all so strong to deal with it.

It was mainly their friendships that got them through the loss. They all relied on each other and cheered each other up by having fun. The idea of missionmas was great for them and Connor had honestly enjoyed the so far 11 out of 12 days more than he had enjoyed any of his winter breaks in Provo.

When the bishop had stopped talking Connor and Elder Poptarts were greeted by Elder Cunningham, Elder Price, Elder Church and Elder Michaels.

‘How did you guys find selling tickets?’ Connor asked the group.

He received two different responses from each pair

‘Hard’

‘Fine’

Elder Poptarts raised an eyebrow at Kevin who looked drained. ‘Why did you find it so hard? How could anyone decline an offer from Mormon poster boy ‘Kevin Price’!’

The Elders all chuckled at Elder Poptarts comment. It wasn’t supposed to be mocking, and Elder Price realised that thankfully, however Elder Cunningham gasped.

‘Elder Price is a great Elder, really, it just wasn’t… our day. We still ran out of tickets though!’

‘By ‘our’ day, he means his. Getting the police called on us for harassment wasn’t really how I planned to spend the day. I told him to stop knocking but he wouldn’t.’

‘We were so close to selling that last ticket! That lady was just so cranky. I thought she’d see the way of the lord somehow and buy the ticket if I kept knocking…’

‘I’m just thankful my ‘Mormon poster boy’ persona saved us from getting taken into the station.’ Elder Price explained with an exhausted chuckle, ‘it was also quite lucky that the policeman was Mormon and happily bought the ticket when we told him about it.’

Connor laughed and Elder Michaels commented on how lucky that was.

‘What about you guys, how did it go for you?’ Elder Poptarts asked Elder Church and Elder Michaels.

‘We were done after the first house. Thankfully they were having a big Mormon family reunion with 18 guests! The other two I bought for my grandparents who are coming into town tonight.’ Elder Michaels explained gleefully.

‘That’s awesome! What did you do after?’ Elder Poptarts asked.

‘We helped Elder Price and Elder Cunningham with their sales.’ Elder Church admitted. Kevin looked a bit embarrassed at needing help on his mission training. Poor Kevin. Being paired with Elder Cunningham must be challenging. He was nice but just seemed like such a handful.

‘The more the merrier!’ Connor beamed in, trying to make Kevin feel less down about needing help. He smiled at Connor. It was small but better than a frown.

‘What about you?’ Kevin asked Connor.

‘We were done fairly quickly, 20 minutes or so. Then we came back here and just talked.’

‘What were you talking about?’ Elder Church questioned.

‘Well I realised something has come up tonight so I can’t spend time with you,’ Elder Churches face fell, ‘no no no don’t frown, it’s fine because Elder Mckinley said he wants to hang out with you!’

Elder Church lit up, ‘Oh, okay! No worries, Elder Poptarts. We’ll be able to hang out at Elder Davis’ sleepover tomorrow anyway!’ he turned to Connor, ‘I don’t think we’ve ever hung out alone, Elder Mckinley. It’s going to be awesome!’

‘Yeah for sure, we can go to mine after Bishop dismisses us if you want?’ Connor offered.

‘Sure!’

Connor looked over to Kevin and saw him frowning. His bottom lip was pouted slightly. He looked like a stroppy kid. Connor didn’t know whether it was over the ticket sales or something else.

‘Are you okay, Elder Price?’ Connor asked concerned.

‘Yeah, just tired,’ he shrugged. Mormons don’t lie so Connor accepted the answer but felt like something wasn’t entirely right with him.

‘Buddy you look drained, maybe you should ask dad to let you leave.’ Elder Cunningham said with an arm wrapped around his companions shoulder. Kevin nodded and left early. 20 minutes later everyone else left.

Connor lived quite close to the church so the walk was short and full of chatter. Considering many Elders walked the same way as him he walked in a group including Elder Schrader, Elder Neeley, Elder Cunningham and of course Elder Church. The walk seemed to be over too quickly and Connor was excited to be able to spend the whole of tomorrow with them.

‘Okay this is me, I’ll see you all tomorrow!’ Connor told the Elders.

The group returned the farewells and Connor lead Elder Church to his house. ‘Sorry it’s a bit of a mess we’re still decorating.’ Connor told his friend. Elder Church didn’t seem bothered by the half painted wall of the vestibule. He just took his shoes and jacket off and walked upstairs with the redhead.

Once they were in Connors room – which thankfully he remembered to clean – they sat down on the bed and started conversation.

‘So, what do you want to do?’ Elder Church asked Connor.

‘I was wondering if you could help me with something actually,’ Connor said, grabbing his laptop from under his pillow.

‘Oh, sure! What’s up?’

‘Well Elder Poptarts mentioned that you’re a computer genius, and I’m useless at electronics, but I wanted to put together a mixtape for Elder Price. Could you help?’

‘That sounds easy, just give me a blank CD to put it on and a list of songs and it should only take half an hour tops.’

‘Okay!’ And so he did just that.

Elder Church effortlessly made the tape and Connor made sure to remember to decorate a cover for it. He decided he would give the tape to Kevin tomorrow at the sleepover.

‘Thanks so much!’ Connor said once Elder Church handed him the Disney-song filled disc.

‘No problem! I’m surprised Elder Price likes Disney so much though.’

‘So was I.’ Connor admitted. They both laughed and Connor suggested they play some videogames. Elder Church agreed and so they played Mario Kart because it’s PG and Mormon approved.

 

* * *

 

 

It was sadly day 12 of Missionmas, and when Connor entered the mission hall with Elder Church and Elder Poptarts it was blasting full of Christmas music, multi-coloured flashing lights and streamers and balloons everywhere.

‘Surprise!’ Elder Cunningham greeted, ‘Me and dad decorated the hall for a last day of missionmas, slash Christmas party!’

Connor was both confused and delighted at this. He saw that all the other elders were there, as well as some Sunday school children too.

He saw Kevin in the corner of the room by a deserts table with 2 younger kids climbing over his tall frame. He saw Kevin tackle them off and they laughed happily at the play fight.

‘Hey Elder Price!’ Connor greeted, ‘Need some help?’

Kevin looked up and grinned at his friend, when the kids who were currently on his back looked at Connor they hopped down immediately. Kevin tightened his posture.

‘Hey Elder Mckinley. I’m fine, these guys need to behave though,’ he fake scolded putting both arms around the younger kids. They all shared the same dark brown eyes and big smiles which could only mean one thing.

‘This is my sister Ellie and brother Eric.’

Connor instantly recalled Kevin telling him about his family. They were the youngest, both 7 as they were twins. Kevin’s other siblings must be at the party too. He also had a brother Jack who was 15 and a sister called Kelly who was 12. The resemblance was striking. The Price gene must be strong. Connor likes to imagine if he’d look like his siblings if he had any. He doubted it. Besides the red hair, freckles and light skin he didn’t look much like his family at all. His nose was much perkier than his parents and his bone structure was much more defined too. Even their smiles were a lot different.

Connor crouched down and smiled at the twins. ‘It’s nice to meet you, I’m Connor.’ He said. They smiled and Ellie raised a hand out to touch his arm.

‘You’re very pale.’ She observed. Kevin gasped.

‘Ellie it’s not nice to point things out like that.’

Connor laughed, ‘I know I am. Maybe I’ll tan if I go somewhere nice and sunny on my mission.’

‘Like Australia!’ Eric piped up.

‘Or Orlando,’ Kevin coughed. Connor grinned at him.

‘Of course you’d say that.’

‘It’s ALL he talks about,’ Ellie groaned.

Connor was amused. Kevin’s siblings definitely shared the same cockiness as him.

‘Right, you two go find Kelly and Jack to bug.’ Kevin said, giving them a little nudge in the direction of a tanned boy drinking a soda.

The two instantly ran off and Connor stood up from his crouching position.

‘I love them, but gosh, they get a bit too much at times.’ Kevin laughed.

Connor nodded, ‘I can see, but they seem sweet.’

‘Well they are Price’s, can’t expect anything less than sweet with us.’ Kevin joked, Connor rolled his eyes and gave his friend a playful push.

‘I guess that’s true. How could Kevin Price - the Mormon poster boy – have a family that’s anything but sweet?’

‘Hey!’ Kevin laughed, ‘what about you, Connor Mckinley, you should be a Price then, considering how sweet you are.’

‘Psh, please I’m too sweet for your family. Remember I did kinda walk in here to see your two angel siblings attacking you.’

‘Too true. You’re too sweet.’

‘Sweeter than a candy cane.’ Connor smirked, lifting one of the festive sugar sticks off the table they were standing by.

‘I should start calling you Connor McKandycane.’ Kevin teased, snatching the treat out of Connors hand. ‘It looks like you too! Red and white. Red hair, white skin!’ he laughed, sliding the wrapper half way down the cane and beginning to suck the top. Connor didn’t want to admit how cute he looked. He put on a fake pout.

‘That’s rude, and that was mine!’ Connor pointed to the candy cane. Kevin obnoxiously ran his tongue along the top of the sweet.

‘You can have it back,’ Kevin said, handing the treat he had just licked over to Connor. Connor took the candy and without hesitation put his lips on it. Kevin grimaced and laughed, not actually expecting Connor to take it back. ‘That’s so gross! My spit was all over it.’

‘Sharing is caring.’ Connor grinned. The idea of doing that to anyone else’s food would be disgusting to him, but considering it was Kevin he was only mildly grossed out by his actions.

‘You’re disgusting, but I’m intrigued by you, so I’ll accept your grossness.’ Kevin said simply.

‘Why thank you Kevin Price,’ Connor said, ‘but you sucked off all the flavour so you can take this back.’

Connor thrust the candy cane back into Kevin’s hand and he laughed and put it in the bin under the table. ‘As much as I admire your grossness, Connor Mckinley, I’m going to have to pass on that.’

‘What happened to Connor McKandycane?’

‘I like your real name too much not to use it.’ Kevin admitted. Connor blushed.

‘Well Kevin Price is quite nice too.’ Connor stated.

‘It gets a bit weird calling the missionaries ‘Elder’ all the time, right?’

‘Kind of… you’re the only person who’s real name I actually know.’ Connor said.

‘Really? I know everyone’s.’

Connor seemed intrigued by this.

‘Ooo what’s Elder Poptarts name?’

‘Chris’

‘Wow that suits him a lot! To be honest though I thought he would be Tom.’

‘Would be a bit strange considering his last name is actually Thomas.’

‘Oh yeah! I forgot that. I guess I’m too used to calling him Poptarts.’ Connor laughed. ‘Thomas Thomas would sound a bit stupid.’

‘Not as stupid as Arnold Cunningham.’

‘Wait Elder Cunningham is called Arnold!’ Connor giggled, it fit him perfectly!

‘It’s great, right.’

Connor nodded and Kevin laughed. They ended up staying together and talking for the entire duration of the party, besides the exception of Connors favourite song coming on and so therefore he had to show Kevin the dance to it, and he’s not the best dancer so it was sloppy, and Kevin laughed, and when Kevin laughed the bells on the reindeer antlers Connor found and made him wear would jingle and Connor found himself desperately wanting to kiss his friend at so many points in that evening, but before he could get the chance to the party was over.

All Sunday school kids left immediately, making more room for the Elders to clear up. The party had been a huge success and everyone was so happy that even the cleaning up part was fun. Once they were all done they walked as a group to Elder Davis house, chatting noisily, eagerly discussing the party amongst one another. Connor walked in a pair with Elder Poptarts- well, Chris. He made sure to pack the mixtape in his overnight bag. He had drawn a picture of Tiana on the front cover, as well as some other little doodles, and Connor wasn’t the best artist, but he was good at copying. His main artistic skill was in calligraphy, so the front cover which read, ‘to Kevin, merry mix-mas, from Connor.’ Was written beautifully.

He really hoped Kevin appreciated it.

‘So what did you make Elder Church?’ He asked, trying to start conversation.

‘Make? More like bake! I baked him some sugar cookies in the shapes of little technology things, like computers!’

Of course he did. Chris was very creative and excelled in the cooking. He said he used it as a coping mechanism but didn’t specify as to what it helped him cope with. Nevertheless Connor grinned.

‘That’s great, I’m sure he’ll love them!’

Chris thanked him and in no time they arrived at Elder Davis’ house.

The first thing they did was decide where they were going to sleep that night. The biggest room in the house was the living room so Elder Davis’ mom had set up some beds for the boys. Connor and Chris decided to share one of the inflatable double mattresses. Meanwhile Arnold and Kevin shared another Elder Davis took one of the couches, Elder Schrader took the other, and the rest of the Elders had individual mattresses to themselves.

Connor was worried some arguing might occur over beds but everyone kept level headed and didn’t complain. Once that job was done Elder David said they can go to the game room and chose some games to play.

Half the elders played Mario Kart, whilst the other half played board games. Right now it was Connor, Kevin, Chris and Arnolds turn on the Wii and Kevin was surprisingly beating his friends as princess peach, meanwhile Connor was embarrassingly loosing. He was good at normal races, but Arnold opted for balloon battles and Connor had never done it before.

Sighing in defeat as he came 12th he threw the controller down, ‘I suck. James can take my place, I’m going to go and get a drink.’

Everyone shrugged, too attached to the screen to acknowledge him fully, so with that he left and headed for the kitchen. Elder Church, who heard his name, happily took Connors seat next to Chris and began to play the game.

The lights in the kitchen were off and as dusk had closed in early due to the winter months the only light provided was from a large oak wood fire. It suited the aesthetic of the house, which was modern, yet had traditional cabin feelings to it. The walls of the kitchen were white, however dark brown wooden beams covered the ceiling and corners of the room. Connor ran himself a glass of water and decided to sit by the fire. The effects of the loud music from the party were finally taking affect as his head started to ache. He needed some silence for a bit.

He began to feel boredom creep in and decided to check his phone for notifications, however, as soon as he took his phone out of his pocket he heard a cough coming from the kitchen doorway. He looked up and saw Kevin leaning on the wooden door frame. ‘Enjoying yourself out here?’

‘What are you doing?’ Connor questioned, putting his phone and drink down next to him. ‘Aren’t you supposed to be kicking butt on Mario Kart.’

Kevin shrugged and sat down opposite Connor. ‘Wasn’t fun without seeing you struggling.’ He teased. ‘I let Elder Neeley take my place.’

‘Very sweet of you,’ Connor laughed.

‘Not as sweet as you, McKandycane.’ Kevin winked

‘Back to that are we.’ Connor grinned, Kevin chuckled, showing off his beautiful smile. His teeth seemed even whiter next to the orange glow of the fire.

The whole scene suddenly felt very much like the incident at the church. Kevin’s eyes found Connors and his warm brown irises wore golden halos around them. Connors breath hitched at the sight of the beautiful boy in front of him. ‘I think I prefer it when you say my actual name.’ He admitted. His voice seemed quieter than before.

Kevin’s gaze on Connor intensified and he seemed to slowly shift closer. ‘I’m glad to hear that Connor Mckinley, because I like your name an awful lot.’

The crackling fire next to them was hot, however Connor knew the warmth on his face wasn’t caused by the flames. Connors eyes drifted to study Kevin’s features, suddenly feeling too nervous to look at him in the eye. They seemed an awful lot closer than before. Their noses were almost touching and Connor could hear Kevin breathe. The breaths he took were shallow and uneven. Feeling brave, Connor lifted his eyes to look at Kevin, only to find Kevin’s gaze on partially open lips.

He suddenly felt Kevin’s soft hand on his jaw, Connors eyes shut instinctively at the contact.

And then Kevin’s lips were on his.

He didn’t know what to do at first, but Kevin’s lips were soft and moved so gently and so as soon as the shock wore off Connor found himself quickly reciprocating and began to follow Kevin’s lead.

His arms found themselves draped around Kevin’s neck, he wasn’t sure what else to do with them. Kevin’s hands lay on Connors hips, tugging him closer and into Kevin’s lap. Connor didn’t think being so close to someone was possible, yet somehow it still didn’t seem like they were close enough. This felt better than any of his fantasies. Helplessly, he sighed into the kiss. He didn’t want it to end ever.

Kevin seemed to know exactly what to do, despite it being both their first kisses. It made Connor thankful as he didn’t want it to be awkward. It didn’t feel one bit awkward. It felt perfect and Connor had never felt so much bliss and love as he did in that moment.

However, all good things must end and after what felt like maybe a minute, Connor found himself breathlessly pulling back. He opened his eyes and saw Kevin with his eyes half lidded panting heavily beneath him. His tanned skin had a pink hint to it and Connor realised his face probably matched. He didn’t know what to say. He instead just smiled at Kevin, and Kevin smiled back.

‘I can’t believe I ever hated you.’ He whispered. ‘You’re so perfect. I’m so sorry for everything I did.’

Connor rested his forehead on Kevin’s. ‘You don’t have to apologise. I’m just happy you like me now.’ He said.

‘You have no idea how much I like you. It’s scary.’ Kevin admitted. They were so close it felt as though they were sharing the same breath.

‘I wouldn’t bet on that. I like you a whole scary lot too, Kevin Price.’ Connor retorted. Kevin blushed when Connor said his name and his smile widened.

‘You’re too sweet.’ Kevin said as Connor crawled out of his lap.

‘You’re too attractive.’ He challenged the brunette. Kevin laughed and leaned back on his elbows, keeping his eyes on Connor. ‘I’ve, um, I got you a gift. In my bag. It’s not much but I thought you might like it.’

Kevin’s smile softened. ‘Thank you. You didn’t have to. I didn’t get you anything…’

‘Don’t worry! Its fine, it’s nothing special anyway. I’ll get it now,’ Connor said, standing up from the floor and walking to the door. When he reached the door frame, he turned back around and saw Kevin on his phone. He smiled and went to get the tape from his bag in the living room.

Nothing could’ve prepared him for what happened after.  
  
He put two and two together almost instantly when he walked back into the kitchen and saw Kevin holding his lit up phone in one hand and Connors lit up phone in the other.

His heart dropped instantly. He couldn’t breathe. The expression on Kevin’s face seemed to change about 10 times in that second. From shock to confusion, and finally, hurt. He felt as though he’d been standing in the door way for hours before Kevin looked up at him. His eyebrows were furrowed and his face was screwed up tightly as if to stop himself from crying. The expression he wore reminded Connor of the day of Ryan’s funeral in the church.

Connor felt sick.

He looked away and tried to think of what to say.

He didn’t know what to say though.

‘I’m sorry,’ ‘I was going to tell you,’ ‘it’s not a big deal,’ ‘please don’t hate me,’ ‘just listen, please.’

There were so many things he could have said, but his mouth felt so dry and no matter how hard he tried no words came out of his quivering lips.

‘How long did you know?’ Kevin spoke first.

His voice sounded strained.

Connor wasn’t expecting that question. His eyes widened and he looked back at Kevin. His face was emotionless and his eyes no longer had a happy light to them. In the dark lighting, next to the fire which was slowly dying out they just looked black and dull.

Connor didn’t reply. Kevin rolled his eyes, his face twisting menacingly again and stood up, shoving Connors phone into his chest.

‘How long did you know!’ He yelled. His eyes brimmed with tears.

‘Since the first message.’ Connor admitted. Kevin’s face fell as did his tears. He looked so hurt. Connor wanted to reach out and hug him and tell him how sorry he was for not telling him but he couldn’t move. He just stared at the boy he cared so for break down in front of him.

‘Why didn’t you tell me? I trusted you! I trusted you so much!’ Kevin cried. It broke Connors heart.

‘No, please Kevin. Just listen-’ Connor tried to reach forward to grab Kevin’s arm but the brunette moved backwards.

‘Don’t fucking touch me!’

‘Please.’

‘No don’t do that! You lied to me! I knew you were like this. I fucking knew it from the start!’ Kevin spat. ‘People like you are all the same! I bet you just laughed at me.’

‘No Kevin I wanted to help you! You were so much happier with my help. I wanted to tell you-‘

‘Just shut up!’ Kevin yelled. Connor felt close to tears. He couldn’t breathe. ‘I don’t want to hear you lie anymore. Just leave me the fuck alone and never speak to me again!’

With that Kevin stormed past Connor and Connor heard the front door slam. His head span and he couldn’t control himself as the tears fell. He threw the tape he made Kevin across the room, fell to the floor and cried.

Within the next minute or so he heard voices rushing out of the games room and felt someone hugging him. He didn’t know who it was but he didn’t care, he instantly grabbed onto them and cried.

He didn’t know why it hurt so much. He and Kevin weren’t even that close, but all the progress he made with him had been shattered, and in that short time they were friends he felt so happy. And words can’t even describe how amazing kissing Kevin was. He really liked the boy and it’s his own fault it didn’t work out.

‘Hush, Connor. It’ll be okay. What’s the matter?’ He instantly recognised the voice. It was Chris. He didn’t speak and instead continued to cry.

He didn’t know how long they stayed there in that position, but Chris hugged him until his tears stopped. When he pulled away he saw James sitting next to Chris. They both smiled at him sympathetically.

‘I’m sorry.’

‘Don’t be sorry, we’re just confused as to what happened. The others have gone after Elder Price. Please tell me what happened.’

And Connor didn’t need to be asked twice before he explained the whole situation to Chris and James thoroughly from the start to the end. From how Kevin first acted when Connor arrived at the training centre, to the night in the church, to the first message all the way to the kiss. His friends listened closely.

‘Oh Con, I’m so sorry.’

‘I’m such an idiot. I should’ve told him.’

‘The situations too confusing, if it were me I’d have done the same as you. You aren’t an idiot.’ James said, putting a hand on Connors shoulder.

‘He deserved to know. He’ll never forgive me.’

‘Connor, I’ve known Elder Price my whole life. He’s just confused and must be feeling a bit betrayed at the moment. Just wait for him to calm down. He’s never been good with emotion. He doesn’t speak to anyone about his worries and always holds them in. It must’ve taken him a lot to write into that blog. Of course to then find out you were the one running the blog is a huge shock.’ Chris explained.

‘He probably just doesn’t understand. You just need to explain the situation to him. I’m sure he’ll come around.’ James suggested. Connor sighed.

‘He won’t listen to me, I don’t know what to do. I’ve messed up.’

‘What you did was for the right intention. Make him listen.’

‘He’ll just run away.’

James looked around the dark room and his eyes landed on something on the floor of the kitchen. He walked over to it and picked it up.

‘Wait! Connor. You still have the mixtape. The nativity is tomorrow, after the show you should give him the tape.’

‘How will that help?’ Chris asked.

‘Connor could record his apology and explanation on the tape for Elder Price.’

Connor perked up at this. He sniffled and wiped his teary eyes before nodding at the idea. ‘That could work,’ he said.

‘We can probably record the tape before the other elders get back. I’ve got my laptop in my bag.’

James got his laptop and Chris poured Connor a drink to soothe his throat from all the crying.

Connor didn’t know where to begin with the apology, but he had to get it done, and the best apologies come from the heart with no planning. They’re the most sincere, and so when Connor pressed the record button all the words he spoke were true.

‘Hey, Kevin.

I don’t even know where to begin really. My intentions for the blog were so sincere to begin with. I made it after we found out about Elder Evans. It made me realise that people who have problems don’t always have somewhere to turn to. I wanted to help make sure as long as I could help it there wouldn’t be another tragedy like that to happen.

I knew you hated me before you messaged me. You were so cold and distant from everyone. It worried me a lot and I’d heard a lot of things about you which I wanted to help you with, but you turned everyone away. It hurt a lot in the church when you said those things to me – but – I kept quiet because I knew you were hurting and I didn’t want to argue.

So, when I saw your first message I was shocked. I recognised it was you instantly but didn’t know how to reply. I didn’t laugh or make fun of you. I was happy that finally I might’ve been able to help you. I answered the message like I’d have answered any other. I was worried. But you took my advice on board and seemed so happy the next day. You were making friends so easily and I instantly began to feel myself liking you a lot more as a person, because the way you were acting seemed so much more natural and less forced than the introverted person you were before.

Then when you started to become nicer to me I noticed you were happier in general. You said it yourself. I became addicted to helping you. I didn’t expect it go to this far. Just, seeing you so happy and being yourself made me feel things nobody’s ever really made me feel before. Please understand, what I did wasn’t to hurt you. My intentions weren’t bad. All I wanted was to help you.

I know I should’ve told you I’m so, so, so sorry.

I care about you a lot, Kevin Price, and it’d kill me for you to go back to the way you were before.

Please forgive me.’

He pressed ‘stop’ on the record button and didn’t even listen back to it. He just let Elder Church sort out putting it on the tape and went to his bed where he sat curled up next to Chris. It wasn’t long before the rest of the Elders arrived back. They said Kevin had gone home and wasn’t coming back, which Connor could understand. The sleepover soon got back to normal and the other elders had fun, which Connor was happy about because he didn’t want their night to be ruined. However, he didn’t join in on the activities. He instead just went to sleep early, dreading having to face Kevin tomorrow.

 

* * *

 

Christmas Eve was supposed to be a day full of excitement and wonder. It was the final day of advent and Connor would say that he definitely loved the countdown to Christmas just as much as Christmas day. Judging by how he felt when he woke up with an aching heart that Christmas Eve though, he’s sure his Christmas this year would not be fun. He was thankful that missionmas made him happy, however he wished it could’ve lasted longer.

It was nice waking up to see his friends around him. They all seemed to be up already and on their phones. Some were even dressed. Connor groaned and sat up on the bed he was sharing with Chris. Chris smiled at his friend,

‘Feeling any better?’ he asked.

‘Not really, what time is it?’

’10:30.’

Connors eyes widened. That was very late. Their show was at noon.

‘Why didn’t you wake me?’ Connor sighed.

‘You looked exhausted and needed the rest.’ Connor couldn’t argue with that. He felt awful. He had no idea how he was going to manage to do the show.

‘How about you go get dressed, I’ll get you a drink of water and something to eat.’

Connor nodded and went to the bathroom to get ready. When he came back Elder Poptarts held out a glass of water and bowl of cereal.

By the time breakfast was done it was time for the Elders to head to church for any final rehearsal time. The thought of seeing Elder price made Connor feel sick.

When they arrived at the church they immediately got dressed into their costumes and thankfully – yet also worryingly Elder Price was nowhere to be seen.

‘Where’s Elder Price?’ The Bishop asked, slightly worried.

‘He went home from the sleepover early last night,’ Arnold said.

‘I’m sure he’ll be here soon.’ James assured the now stressing man.

And thankfully he arrived 5 minutes later looking just as miserable as Connor. He got dressed and they rehearsed mainly the birthing scene because Arnold had a tendency to be a little… dramatic during that part of the show. Thankfully he toned it down and by the time they finished and went backstage they heard the first murmurs of people filling the church hall.

Backstage Kevin stood with Elder Cunningham, Elder Neeley and Elder Davis.

Connor was happy he was still mixing with the other Elders, but it hurt that the Elders he was with weren’t him.

Finally it was time for the show. They heard the audience clap as Bishop Cunningham introduced the production and the show began with Kevin’s character setting the scene.

‘Our story begins long ago in ancient America…’

Connor was amazed how quickly Kevin changed from his true self to the character Nephi. He was a very talented actor and the audience seemed drawn to him instantly.

He spoke of the Nephites and Laminates, and how God came to the prophet Nephi in a dream saying Jesus will be born. He explained that when the saviour is born the sky will stay light for 24 hours, even after the sunsets. Watching Kevin tell the story so perfectly was hypnotic. Connors heart ached when he realised they perfect happy boy on the stage could have been his if he didn’t mess up his chance.

When Kevin introduced the characters from Bethlehem the show really started to take off. It was going perfectly. The audience seemed intrigued and humoured by Arnold performance as Mary, even if he got carried away at times. He hopes nobody found it blasphemous. Or sexist. Because it bordered both dangerously.

Finally it was time for Connor to go on the stage, and that’s where things started to play up.

‘Across the country, in Jerusalem, lived the vicious King of the Jews, Herod.’

Connor entered the stage and as expected some of the audience played along to the Elders who booed at him.

The wise men surrounded the thrown that Connor sat down at.

‘The wise men visited the nasty, rude, self-centred king,’ - okay those insults weren’t part of the script, – ‘and told him of the baby boy who was to be born.’

‘Messiah there will be a boy born, he will be known as king of the Jews,’ one of the wise men spoke.

It was Kevin’s turn to speak again,

‘The news angered the uncaring, nasty, arrogant King, as he wanted to be the best, and have everyone love him. He didn’t care about anyone else besides himself. And so, he came up with a conniving scheme to get rid of the new boy that would be born.’

After that slightly exaggerated line, Connor opened his mouth to say his part only to be cut off by Kevin speaking again.

‘Of course, he did not tell the truth of his actions to the Wise Men, because he wanted to keep his menacing ways a secret, and lying is what evil people like him does best.’

Connor had try force himself not to roll his eyes at Kevin’s behaviour. Nevertheless he spoke his lines.

‘Where is this boy they say will be King of the Jews? You shall visit him and come back to lead me to him where I can show my praise.’

With this Connor left the stage as the wise men went to the stable. Kevin’s pettiness frustrated Connor. He could speak to him instead of subliminally shading him in a play.

Before long it was Connors time to go back on stage.

‘The wise men were visited by an angel who told them not to go back to the vicious King Herod because King Herod was plotting to kill the innocent baby Jesus. They followed the news and when days passed without the wise men returning, the King turned mad and took orders into his own hands. Coming up with a rotten scheme to match his rotten personality.’ Kevin smugly said.

‘I command the murder of all baby boys over Jerusalem and Bethlehem!’ Connor yelled, feeling compelled to act his role yet hoping the discomfort he felt wasn’t too obvious.

The scene continued to play out showing Mary and Joseph going to Egypt to escape from King Herod and finally the play ended with the death of King Herod.

The audience loved it. Connor and Kevin both did not. Both boys felt drained and miserable and Connor dreaded having to confront Kevin but knew it was necessary.

As they all took their bows the Bishop came to the stage and tapped the microphone to silence the happy crowd.

‘Well I think we can all agree that was quite the performance,’ the Bishop was met with more claps. ‘I can’t express how proud I am of my Elders to have so selflessly put this play together, especially through this tough time, dealing with the loss of our church member Ryan Evans. However I’m happy to announce that with all your help and donations we have raised enough money for this beautiful bench to have been made in memory of Elder Evans.’

With that two church members carried a large, beautifully carved light wood bench to the front of the stage. Connor smiled at the outcome. The memorial bench was beautiful and worth the hard work that had gone into getting the donations for it. The audience clapped and their eyes showed awe at the hand crafted bench.

‘We will be putting the bench in the church gardens as a place where we can all remember Ryan. Thank you again for your donations, and thank you Elders for all your hard work.’ The bishop concluded. After that the Elders left the stage and got changed back into their uniform.

As missionmas was officially over they were told they could go home after they had changed. Connor said good bye and wished his fellow Elders a merry Christmas as each left the church eagerly to see their families and get praised for the show they performed. However, Connor noticed that Elder Price didn’t leave straight away. He decided to take this as a chance to give him the tape he made but felt too nervous. When the last Elder besides Kevin left Connor finally went to walk to Elder Price, however he quickly turned the other way and walked out of the back stage room into the churched main building. It was then that Connor realised the boy was packing away.

He stood silently watching Kevin, fidgeting with the tape in his hand until he worked up the courage to speak.

‘Need some help?’

Kevin looked up at Connor and glared.

‘I can manage.’ He spat, getting back to packing away the props.

Connor sighed and walked towards the Elder and began picking up props. Kevin didn’t say anything. It annoyed Connor to the point where he finally snapped.

‘What the hell was that?’

Kevin looked up at him. Connor rolled his eyes.

‘The show. Why did you have to improvise your lines like that?’ Connor questioned.

‘Why not. It didn’t hurt anybody and it was true.’

‘True for who? King Herod or me?’

‘Is there a difference?’

Connor snarled. Is he trying to be funny?

‘Yes actually. I didn’t kill hundreds of babies. You say I’m evil but I just tried to help you, Kevin.’

‘That’s not true though.’ Kevin protested. Connor laughed.

‘Yes it is if you bothered to listen to me! Just-‘ Connor threw the tape at Kevin, who luckily caught it and looked at it with wide eyes. ‘Listen to track 16. I’m going home. Merry Christmas.’

He left and spent the rest of his day trying to drown his sorrows in Christmas films and festive treats.

It wasn’t until he was half way through The Nightmare before Christmas (which he decided to watch because it’s a Christmas classic… not because of Kevin) that he felt his phone vibrate with a message. His stomach dropped when he saw who it was from and instantly threw his phone down not wanting to open it.

Connor couldn’t help but relate to the character of Sally. All throughout the movie she had been trying to get Jacks attention and to help him, but Jack had been so nonchalant to her and caught up with his own ideas that he thought he didn’t need her help. It reminded him of Kevin. Kevin always feels like his ideas are right. It was only at the end of the film that Jack realised Sally had been right all along. Connor hopes Kevin will realise that all Connor was trying to do is help him and that Connor is right. Then, maybe they’ll live happily ever after like Jack and Sally did.

Connor didn’t check the message from Kevin that night, and fell asleep feeling miserable whilst listening to MTV play a countdown of the best Christmas songs throughout the years.

 

* * *

 

He woke up to the sound of Christmas songs blasting from downstairs. His parents much be awake. They always woke up early on Christmas. It was strange because usually the children would be the ones waking the parents up but for him that was never the case. He quickly sat up and stretched. He rubbed his eyes and checked his phone to see what time it was.

Big mistake.

The numbers reading 8:32am didn’t matter to him.

What concerned him was the flood of messages he had gotten from Kevin.

He didn’t want to open them, but knew that if he didn’t they’d be on his mind all day and ruin his already miserable Christmas.

He took in a deep breath, readying himself for whatever Kevin said. They were all sent spaced out over different time spans.

 

‘I listened to the tape. I’m so sorry. Thank you so much for the present it’s wonderful and I should’ve listened.’ – 9:35pm

‘I’m so, so sorry.’ – 9:42pm

‘Please forgive me.’ –9:55pm

‘If you forgive me meet me by the Christmas tree after the church service tomorrow.’ – 10:07pm

‘Con, please reply.’ -10:15pm

‘I know I was wrong. I know you just tried to help. You did help. You helped me so much.’ – 10:38pm

‘Please just meet me by the tree so I can explain.’ – 10:40pm

‘Connor if you’re awake please reply.’ – 11:11pm

‘I’m so sorry.’ – 11:30pm

‘Merry Christmas.’ – 12:00am

‘I hope you don’t feel too bad’ – 12:42am

‘I’ll stop texting you now.’ – 1:09am

 

Connor felt a pang of guilt when reading the texts. He felt so many different things. Relieved, guilty, apprehensive. To let Kevin know he wasn’t mad he text back. He didn’t want Kevin to wake up feeling sick from nerves on Christmas morning.

 

‘I’ll see you at Church. You don’t have to apologise or explain yourself. I understand.’

 

Suddenly he felt like maybe his day wasn’t going to be as bad as he thought.

He had an hour and a half before the 10 O’clock service and so he got dressed into his Sunday best and went downstairs to greet his parents.

‘Good morning,’ His mom greeted chirpily, kissing him on the forehead as he took a seat at the dining table opposite his dad. ‘Or I should be saying Merry Christmas!’ She corrected herself.

‘Merry Christmas,’ he smiled back.

‘I was just making pancakes, would you like some?’ His mom asked, taking position at the stove. Connor nodded.

‘Yes please.’

‘I tried to make them into the shape of Christmas trees but they turned out more like blobs. Theres nothing more Christmassy than a festive home cooked pancake blob!’

Connor laughed.

‘They taste delicious though, dear.’ Connors dad complimented his mother through a mouthful of pancake. Connors mum thanked him and handed Connor a plate of squiggle-like pancakes. Nevertheless he dug in.

‘You can either quickly open your presents before church, or take your time after. We’ve got 20 minutes before we should start walking.’ His mother said.

‘I’ll open them after.’ He confirmed. His mom nodded and went to do the washing up.

‘I can help with the dishes, mom.’ He offered, ‘you go take a break, you’ve already cooked a nice breakfast you deserve a rest.’ Connors mom smiled as her son.

‘Thank you, Con, you’re such a good boy.’

The dishes made time pass by quickly and in no time they were on their way to church.

The church was full by the time they arrived, which meant the only available seats were right at the back and so Connor couldn’t see Kevin or any of his friends.

Although he felt rude to not pay full attention to the very important Christmas service, his mind was too focussed on Kevin and what will happen after the service to listen fully to what the Bishop was talking about. The closer the service got to the end the more nervous he felt. He just wanted to be okay with Kevin already and not have to worry about saying the wrong thing or making Kevin hate him again.

The church service ended.

Connor told his parents he was going to stay behind for a bit to wish his friend a merry Christmas. It wasn’t a lie. They told him to be home before noon which he agreed too. Finally as the church started to clear out he recognised Kevin’s family begin to trail out with the other church goers. After recognising that Kevin wasn’t with him he looked up towards the tree and saw Kevin standing next to it expectedly.

Connors heart fluttered at the sight of the boy. Kevin smiled shyly at Connor and Connor smiled just as shyly back. Once the last people had left – which had been Arnolds family (The bishop had whispered something to Kevin before leaving and handed him the keys so Connor guessed it was his job to lock up) Connor walked over to Kevin and suddenly awkward tension filled the room.

They didn’t know who should speak first and avoided looking at each other.

Finally Connor sighed and looked up at Kevin.

‘I’m sorry.’ He said. Kevin looked up at him with wide eyes and shook his head.

‘No, I’m sorry. You’ve apologised enough. I haven’t.’ Kevin spoke defensively back.

‘You have nothing to be sorry for.’

‘I really do. I should’ve listened to you-‘

‘You were scared and shocked I can understand,’ Connor interrupted, taking a step towards Kevin and putting a hand on his shoulder reassuringly. Kevin bit his bottom lip and kept his eyes avert from Connors.

‘It still doesn’t forgive my actions…’ He spoke back, ‘Changing the lines in the play was childish of me.’

‘I don’t mind. You had to let your anger out somehow. I don’t blame you.’

Kevin looked up, ‘You don’t have to be so kind to me, what I did was awful.’

Connor shook his head and leaned in closer to Kevin so that their foreheads were rested upon each other.

‘No it wasn’t. What I did was awful.’

‘You were just trying to help.’

‘I still should’ve told you.’

‘Well I’m glad I know now.’

Connor could feel Kevin’s breath on his lips. He closed his eyes at the warm feeling. He didn’t know what else to say or do. They were so close, and the atmosphere wasn’t awkward anymore. In the familiar surrounding it felt comforting. They weren’t mad at each other anymore. They felt secure in each other’s company.

And Connor wasn’t sure who it was that closed the distance, but their lips locked together and Connor instantly melted into the sensation. Kevin sighed into Connors mouth and Connor couldn’t tell whether it was a sigh of contentment or relief but at that moment it didn’t really matter because the only thing that they cared about was each other.

When they pulled apart Kevin wore the same smile which made Connors heart flutter and eyes blur. He couldn’t believe how lucky he was. They stayed close to each other, enjoying the warmth of their embrace.

‘I didn’t get to tell you, but that tape you gave me perhaps the nicest, most thoughtful thing anyone has ever given me,’ Kevin whispered. Connor smiled and pressed a chaste kiss on the other boy’s lips as a way of saying ‘you’re welcome.’

‘I know it’s not as thoughtful as your gift to me, but I got you this last night.’ Kevin bent down and picked up a small, red box from under the tree. Connor opened the box and beneath the lid in white tissue paper lay an ornament closely resembling the icicle from the tree. Connors eyes softened as he saw 'CONNOR' etched into the side of it. he took it out of the box and held it up to the tree.

‘I know you said it was plain but it was the most thoughtful gift I could think of,’ he admitted sheepishly.

Connor was in awe. ‘I can’t believe you got me this.’

‘My dad helped with the etching. It’s kind of a family thing.’ Kevin shrugged. Connor smiled widely at Kevin. Kevin smiled back and then Connor noticed a small note written on the tag of the bauble. Connor noticed the blush rise on Kevin’s face as he watched Connor read the note.

‘Dear Agony Elder,

I think this will definitely be the last time I come to you for advice. Since we last spoke I found out that C likes me back. We kissed a few days ago, and it was the most wonderful, indescribable feeling ever. I feel like after sharing so much intimacy with him I’m ready to open up to him and tell him my problems and feelings directly, and so I won’t be needing you any more after this.

Given the fact that I like this boy way more than I thought was ever possible to like another human being, the advice I’m asking you for is, do you think if I ask C to be my boyfriend he’ll say yes?

-K.’

Connor bit his lip to keep himself from grinning so wide. He hooked the bauble onto the trees branch next to Kevin and the crystals hit the light perfectly, emitting a familiar orange glow which made Connors heart melt. He looked up at the brunette boy who nervously awaited his answer and leaped into his arms.

‘The answer is definitely.’

So Connor pressed his lips once more onto his new boyfriends, and this time the kiss was messy and their teeth clashed because both boys couldn’t stop grinning, but Connor had never felt so happy.

He was so thankful his parents decided to move to Salt Lake City, because despite it not being much different to Provo, Salt Lake City is where Kevin Price lives, and with their lips locked together and their bodies pressed so close, Connor realised he cared for Kevin Price more than anything else in the world.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic I have ever completed.  
> I apologise for any spelling mistakes or incorrect religious knowledge.  
> I was only supposed to write 5k words max for this fic, I have no clue how I got so carried away. I also have no idea how it turned into a christmas fic but i'm not complaining.  
> Feedback is appreciated, but please no hate! :)


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